Hey there,
So I’ve been really depressed lately.
All these thoughts were running through my head and as much as I hate going to people I told a friend to meet with me and he did yesterday. He told me once again I need to change my thinking. I yelled at him a lot. But of course he took it and then gave me the tools I need to not be so overwhelmed and basically told me I need to get myself to do what I have to. Period.
I’m crying at the moment. Even though we met yesterday a story of his just hit me. He works in a hospital and told me about two girls. One girl came in who was 26 and weighted like 80 pounds or less I cant remember. He say I looked at her and saw you. : ( I told my friend how I’m having trouble seeing positive things in life and he told me about another girl, a young girl, came in with cuts on her arms and a cut on her neck. She tried to commit suicide. He said he thought of me; how its possible I’m close to doing that. : (
I thought… How could they not see that life is worth living? They have so much potential why do they not see that? How do they not realize God wants them to live?
I guess I hear these things and tell these things to other people but don’t listen to myself. I mean truly listen and believe that myself. God has a plan and purpose for me. I’m not worthless. I don’t deserve pain. There are positive things in life.
I need to engrave that in my mind. My life is not a waste. Ah. I can use my life to give someone else hope; I can let them know when they are in a crisis…hey I’ve been there and things get better. You can change lives.
The worst thing is having no hope left. Time to restore hope in the world.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
i'm mad. so i will eat.
I’m so angry.
I’m so angry with my friends.
Makes me sad to say that because my friends are the main group I hang out with. It started out being a church group but we all became really close friends. We go to church together. We go to movies. We go to church events together and just have fun. But they can make me so frustrated. Two of my friends planned this paintball event for youth not just for people in my church but in others and of course it was implied that our group go. Well I didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money and I didn’t want to waste the time (and gas) because I had work the next day and it was supposed to be a thing where you stay the night at this park (in a tent too yeck). Anyways, the event is now over and I got a text from a friend saying how they were angry with me because I didn’t go. I need to start going to events even if I don’t want to for the good of others. Then I texted another friend that went and they said it was a spiritual retreat and I shoudve been there. Basically it made me feel like crap.
Is Jesus going to be upset if I don’t go to every event? I’m going on a trip to Europe soon I can’t be spending so much money.
Anyways, I’m irritated and you can tell by the way I’m eating.
I’m not even hungry but I’m mad so I’m going to eat. This is something new I used to restrict but atm since I’m not doing that I’ll eat. Granted I’m only eating grapes. But I’m eating more than I should.
Sigh… I can’t be so angry all the time its bad for my health. How sad is that to be irriated with your “family?”
I’m so angry with my friends.
Makes me sad to say that because my friends are the main group I hang out with. It started out being a church group but we all became really close friends. We go to church together. We go to movies. We go to church events together and just have fun. But they can make me so frustrated. Two of my friends planned this paintball event for youth not just for people in my church but in others and of course it was implied that our group go. Well I didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money and I didn’t want to waste the time (and gas) because I had work the next day and it was supposed to be a thing where you stay the night at this park (in a tent too yeck). Anyways, the event is now over and I got a text from a friend saying how they were angry with me because I didn’t go. I need to start going to events even if I don’t want to for the good of others. Then I texted another friend that went and they said it was a spiritual retreat and I shoudve been there. Basically it made me feel like crap.
Is Jesus going to be upset if I don’t go to every event? I’m going on a trip to Europe soon I can’t be spending so much money.
Anyways, I’m irritated and you can tell by the way I’m eating.
I’m not even hungry but I’m mad so I’m going to eat. This is something new I used to restrict but atm since I’m not doing that I’ll eat. Granted I’m only eating grapes. But I’m eating more than I should.
Sigh… I can’t be so angry all the time its bad for my health. How sad is that to be irriated with your “family?”
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Cupcakes today.
So i had to babysit today and we decided to make cookies and cream cupcakes. Sounds great. Well we messed up on one batch... used confectioners sugar instead of flour... so we had to start alll over. they didnt turn out well... but oh well. it was fun making them. heres some pictures. they dont look too bad. :)
look tasty right? ha
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
It has been A Long Time...
It has been awhile since I last wrote.
I’m not going to talk too much about the past as I am trying to keep focused on the future. Since the last time I wrote, I have started seeing a new therapist however I feel like it is competely unnecessary. I’m more sane than ever. Granted I have days where I am overwhelmed where it feels like my whole world is crashing down (okay may sound dramatic but that is exactly how I feel at times; side note: I have also read that people with Eds often feel like that, its not dramatic to them; its reality); I still have days where all I want to do is lay in bed and watch the watch pass by. But I see that since I’ve been focusing on God and taking control back little by little that I smile more; I laugh more; I’m not always irriated; I’m happier…. In a way at least. Anyways, press on to the current moment….
Tomorrow I start a vegetarian diet. Being vegetarian has all sorts of benefits and since the numbers on the scale have gone up… I want to better my health and lose some weight. I also watched a clip of the movie Food Inc. which made me never want meat again so…. Tomorrow diet!
Heres the meal plan:
breakfast: smoothie with 1/2 papaya, 1/2 banana, an orange, 1 kiwi, and 1/2 soy milk (i'm using almond vanilla milk.
morning snack is green tea with lemon (no sugar)
lunch salad
lunch snack apricot (i'll prob skip this since i work. )
dinner will be pasta with cherry tomatoes and basil and garlic vinegar stuff
Besides food…
I’m in love with this new band called Gungor. Their album called Beautiful Things is beyond amazing.
The song beautiful things is constantly on replay. Reminds me that no matter where I’m at in life God is “making me new.” I cant change myself. But He can. Ptl.
Here is the video of Gungor singing beautiful things. : )
Well it has been a long day. I’m off to bed. Promise I’m going to update this blog more.
I’m not going to talk too much about the past as I am trying to keep focused on the future. Since the last time I wrote, I have started seeing a new therapist however I feel like it is competely unnecessary. I’m more sane than ever. Granted I have days where I am overwhelmed where it feels like my whole world is crashing down (okay may sound dramatic but that is exactly how I feel at times; side note: I have also read that people with Eds often feel like that, its not dramatic to them; its reality); I still have days where all I want to do is lay in bed and watch the watch pass by. But I see that since I’ve been focusing on God and taking control back little by little that I smile more; I laugh more; I’m not always irriated; I’m happier…. In a way at least. Anyways, press on to the current moment….
Tomorrow I start a vegetarian diet. Being vegetarian has all sorts of benefits and since the numbers on the scale have gone up… I want to better my health and lose some weight. I also watched a clip of the movie Food Inc. which made me never want meat again so…. Tomorrow diet!
Heres the meal plan:
breakfast: smoothie with 1/2 papaya, 1/2 banana, an orange, 1 kiwi, and 1/2 soy milk (i'm using almond vanilla milk.
morning snack is green tea with lemon (no sugar)
lunch salad
lunch snack apricot (i'll prob skip this since i work. )
dinner will be pasta with cherry tomatoes and basil and garlic vinegar stuff
Besides food…
I’m in love with this new band called Gungor. Their album called Beautiful Things is beyond amazing.
The song beautiful things is constantly on replay. Reminds me that no matter where I’m at in life God is “making me new.” I cant change myself. But He can. Ptl.
Here is the video of Gungor singing beautiful things. : )
Well it has been a long day. I’m off to bed. Promise I’m going to update this blog more.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
My trip to the ER
(Thursday)After my nutritionist appointment, I went out with one of my friends and was having more chest pains than usual and I told my friend who is a nurse assistant…And him and my other friend who is a nurse both forced me basically into the ER. I got an ekg and turns out I had some abnormality…I was in Vfib I think its called. Electrodes in my heart weren’t firing as they should. I was admitted, got blood taken, x rays, etc etc. eventually found out my potassium levels were low, so I got 3 bags of saline in me (which is A LOT) and was given some potassium pills. Even though my heart still races and chest still kind of hurts, I have the color back in my face which my friends tell me I haven’t had for a few weeks. It was completely embarrassing telling all the nurses and doctors I have an eating disorder. Or rather it was embarrassing that I couldn’t tell them that and my friend had to. It was so unreal being there. It was sort of like it didn’t faze me at all at least not until the end. I was being told I could have a heart attack and I just shrugged. Not me… couldn’t happen to me… And I kept trying to sleep maybe that way I could escape but my friend kept waking me up saying no its time you face reality. I didn’t call my parents. They have no idea I was in the ER. They might find out eventually but I just did not want them there with me last night.
Anyways, here’s my bottom. I’m making this be my bottom. I never realized how sick I was until I went to the bathroom and considered throwing up, or when I HAD to weight myself willingly at the hospital. But when I really realized I’m sicker than I thought was when the doctor came in talking to me about anorexia and my heart and I laughed. Then he told me about my blood work being okay and I told my friend “SEE I’m not sick!!!” meanwhile wires and tubes are coming out of me. The last thing the nurse said to me was explaining play by play what will happen to me if my potassium levels drop again, heart attack and not gonna lie that was scary. Saying I might not come back from that.
Well I’m ready to get better. I’m forcing myself to eat. It is SO hard. I don’t want to be dizzy anymore. I want to be able to exercise. I want to be able to go out with friends. And what really made me sad was one of my friends that’s a nurse she started crying a few months ago telling me how she didn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I promised her that would never happen to me. She ended up having to bring me to the hospital… : (
I’m tired of walking on eggshells with my health.
I’m much sicker than I ever thought.
I’m always going to remember being in the bathroom at the hospital and looking at myself in the mirror and smiling that I was hitting my goal weight. That’s not normal… I’m in the hosipatl and smiling… and walking out and having my friend walk with me back to my bed. I was smiling and said “I’m really sick.” His response as he had his hand on my back was “I know” in this soft voice.
Later on, I found out my bp was down to 86/43 which apparently is not good.. and I found out I do have permant heart damage but if I eat right and take care of myself it shouldn’t be a problem.
The heart is nothing to be messing around with, yet I feel like my stay in the hospital didn’t even effect me. I just don’t want my parents to find out… essshhh.
Anyways, therapy tomorrow. Gonna have to tell her I wound up where she said I would. Embarrassing.
Anyways, here’s my bottom. I’m making this be my bottom. I never realized how sick I was until I went to the bathroom and considered throwing up, or when I HAD to weight myself willingly at the hospital. But when I really realized I’m sicker than I thought was when the doctor came in talking to me about anorexia and my heart and I laughed. Then he told me about my blood work being okay and I told my friend “SEE I’m not sick!!!” meanwhile wires and tubes are coming out of me. The last thing the nurse said to me was explaining play by play what will happen to me if my potassium levels drop again, heart attack and not gonna lie that was scary. Saying I might not come back from that.
Well I’m ready to get better. I’m forcing myself to eat. It is SO hard. I don’t want to be dizzy anymore. I want to be able to exercise. I want to be able to go out with friends. And what really made me sad was one of my friends that’s a nurse she started crying a few months ago telling me how she didn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I promised her that would never happen to me. She ended up having to bring me to the hospital… : (
I’m tired of walking on eggshells with my health.
I’m much sicker than I ever thought.
I’m always going to remember being in the bathroom at the hospital and looking at myself in the mirror and smiling that I was hitting my goal weight. That’s not normal… I’m in the hosipatl and smiling… and walking out and having my friend walk with me back to my bed. I was smiling and said “I’m really sick.” His response as he had his hand on my back was “I know” in this soft voice.
Later on, I found out my bp was down to 86/43 which apparently is not good.. and I found out I do have permant heart damage but if I eat right and take care of myself it shouldn’t be a problem.
The heart is nothing to be messing around with, yet I feel like my stay in the hospital didn’t even effect me. I just don’t want my parents to find out… essshhh.
Anyways, therapy tomorrow. Gonna have to tell her I wound up where she said I would. Embarrassing.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
hell of a night.
Last night was a terrible night. In fact the day wasn’t so great either. I had church in the morning where I felt something weird in my head. Like it kept getting tingly and I was moderately dizzy. For some reason I just got upset and left church and drove up to this mountain where I sat for awhile trying to sort out my thoughts on wanting to get better and nothing seemed to make sense in my head. Nothing was logical. So after like 45 minutes of sitting at this random mountain by myself I decide to leave. I drove to the bottom and got really dizzy. Which had never happened to me driving before. I figured maybe that is a sign that I should eat. My favorite salad place was down the street so I drove there. I feel like I wasn’t really walking straight and the people who worked there were starring (maybe its all in my head…;) I went to the bathroom where I thought I was going to pass out. I was so dizzy. Anyways I got my salad and was driving home and got dizzy yet again. Got home and tried sleeping. I felt so sick after eating my salad. Something just seemed off with me to. I considered going to the hospital because I felt so weird. My heart hurt and chest hurt had that tingly feeling in my head. It sucked. Well fast forward to about 2 p.m. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. I thought i wa goig to throw up i wasin so much pain. My whole body hurt. My legs, toes, arms, fingers, chest, heart, head, stomach, hips… everything hurt so bad. I text my friend and asked if this was a result of not eating much like I have been and he said most likely and blah blah… well I talked to him and decided to eat some crackers which I threw up. The incredibly sick thing was that I smiled when I went to go do that and after… who smiles?? My whole body is hurting because it most likely needs food and I’m smiling happy I just threw up. That is sick. I feel sick. I told him I threw up and he said am I going to do anything to get better. I told him I’m called this outpatient clinic to get an evaluation Monday…. Lets see if I follow through with that. So I’m on like 4 hour sleep and I have an 8 hour shift. Shit.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
its not by choice..how can people not get it!
Progress,
Well I had my therapy appointment a few days ago. I was looking forward to that appointment for so long and when I got there we just had the same old conversations. Elyse, you need inpatient you need to eat more. Lady, I’m eating enough. I can handle it. Inpatient? Have you seen my legs. Elyse, you are thin maybe not as thin as others will be in there but… (Me.. Gee thanks she just called me fat.) We argue some more. She asks why I’m doing this, whats the goal- because of course there is more to it than being thin. I say I don’t know. And that is the truth. I don’t know why I continue to self destruct. I’m scared. I’m scared of hospitals but I know I could end up in one here pretty soon. Why don’t you try to stop? Everyone asks. Because I feel gross when I do. Nobody understands. I get more depressed when I eat. How can you not want to get better? I get mad. I tell them, you know I am really scared of what is happening to me but I know its out of my control now. Its not Elyse. It’s Ana. Its her that took over. I can’t take back control. There are consequences. I tell my friend that and he says, you always have control. Don’t say that someone else in controlling you when that is not true. Its you making choices. Its your choice. And when you decide you want to choose to get better you will. This I argue for a good long time about. IT IS NOT BY CHOICE. Do you know an anorectic mind??? NO! This isn’t like every other addiction or disease. I don’t have the tools I even need to take back control. She is in control. Seriously, I have tried to take back control and everytime I do..I.get.so.much.worse- and I go downhill FAST. Which no one understands. I get called crazy and just don’t want to take responsibility. WHATEVER… they just don’t understand.
Honestly guys, I’m waiting till I just pass out and someone takes me to inpatient. I looked at an outpatient place by my house and I just know I wont go to all the meetings and crap so why pay for it? why waste everyones time. I’ve been getting really dizzy and its been hard to breathe at times lately… I’m hoping I can just faint. That’s sick I know. But I can’t bring myself to tell someone (besides my therapist) that I need and secretly do want inpatient. At least if I pass out I will be given the chance for inpatient….i’m sick, I know.
Well I had my therapy appointment a few days ago. I was looking forward to that appointment for so long and when I got there we just had the same old conversations. Elyse, you need inpatient you need to eat more. Lady, I’m eating enough. I can handle it. Inpatient? Have you seen my legs. Elyse, you are thin maybe not as thin as others will be in there but… (Me.. Gee thanks she just called me fat.) We argue some more. She asks why I’m doing this, whats the goal- because of course there is more to it than being thin. I say I don’t know. And that is the truth. I don’t know why I continue to self destruct. I’m scared. I’m scared of hospitals but I know I could end up in one here pretty soon. Why don’t you try to stop? Everyone asks. Because I feel gross when I do. Nobody understands. I get more depressed when I eat. How can you not want to get better? I get mad. I tell them, you know I am really scared of what is happening to me but I know its out of my control now. Its not Elyse. It’s Ana. Its her that took over. I can’t take back control. There are consequences. I tell my friend that and he says, you always have control. Don’t say that someone else in controlling you when that is not true. Its you making choices. Its your choice. And when you decide you want to choose to get better you will. This I argue for a good long time about. IT IS NOT BY CHOICE. Do you know an anorectic mind??? NO! This isn’t like every other addiction or disease. I don’t have the tools I even need to take back control. She is in control. Seriously, I have tried to take back control and everytime I do..I.get.so.much.worse- and I go downhill FAST. Which no one understands. I get called crazy and just don’t want to take responsibility. WHATEVER… they just don’t understand.
Honestly guys, I’m waiting till I just pass out and someone takes me to inpatient. I looked at an outpatient place by my house and I just know I wont go to all the meetings and crap so why pay for it? why waste everyones time. I’ve been getting really dizzy and its been hard to breathe at times lately… I’m hoping I can just faint. That’s sick I know. But I can’t bring myself to tell someone (besides my therapist) that I need and secretly do want inpatient. At least if I pass out I will be given the chance for inpatient….i’m sick, I know.
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