Purposeful Selfishness

Purposeful selfishness.

When I first heard the words, purposeful selfishness in a sentence my first thought was “selfish? We are taught and told not to be selfish- to do things for others.”  In Christianity, my point of view of selfishness is something the Bible speaks against. However, lately I have realized maybe some of us need to be selfish sometimes. A lot of people, including myself, will stretch themselves so thin. If you are like me you will climb over every obstacle, do things you hate, and sacrifice your happiness and time to make others happy or complacent for that matter.

Right now, I’m in the process of quitting a job. I hate this job. I’m not happy there. I leave and go home crying some days (when you get to that point in a job it is more than likely time to quit!). It has been over a week since I said I quit yet I am still there. The reason I bring this up is I could have been out of there sooner! I could have been out of there last week. However I was thinking of others and not myself. I thought about the bind I could leave them in. Who will they hire? Should I leave after they have trained someone for my spot? This job means nothing to me and I mean nothing to these people except another person to cover a shift. This business will not collapse if I’m not there. They won’t cry. The world will go on, I’m sure. At the moment, I’m also in the process of starting another job and have a ton of other activities going on in my life yet I still play nice and roll over and take the shifts I’m offered knowing quite well I will be completely overwhelmed; And when I get overwhelmed, waking up everyday hurts.

If you are anything like me and struggling with an eating disorder, being overwhelmed often leads to me breaking down and letting my disordered behaviors continue. When I overwhelm myself and it is too hard to get out of bed and everyday seems like a huge feat I cannot take on, ED steps on in and I become more trapped.

Where is this lesson going you ask? Well purposeful selfishness is essentially looking out for yourself. Take time out to do things for yourself. If you are not happy change the situation or get out of the situation if it is making you miserable.

Remember here, I’m not preaching that we step all over people and make others miserable but you need to make sure you are taken care of. Think about this way- you need/want to take care of others but first you need to make sure you are okay before you help others. A drug addict won’t be good at helping another drug addict if they are not in a stable state of mind. On an airplane, when oxygen masks are distrusted an adult has to put on their safety mask before they can help the child. Right? 

Glass Room

Everything is so unfamiliar. She is walking around in this room which she has been in for most of her life yet today every step seems like she is walking on new ground. From one corner of this room to the next, she glances around and it’s as if this is all new. The walls are glass. She places her palm on the wall and suddenly realizes that people are outside. Her heart beats faster and but her mind is still. Blankly she stares. The smiles on their faces are showing emotions unknown to her. As she backs away, there appears a door. She runs to the door as if she knows what is behind it, but knowing in her heart that she needs to find out, she runs; but she can’t open the door. She starts to hear dull laughter from the people outside and starts to cry. How did she end up here? How long has she been here? Why does this room seem comfortable yet confining? She cries and dwells on these questions. Then, someone opens the door. A few people walked in and paced the length of the room. Empty and cold. They try to speak with her but she can’t understand. How long has she been here? There is something unique about their eyes; she wants what they have but can’t voice her need. The people come and go; watch and speak and this girl does nothing but look at them with concern. What are they thinking? Why can’t she understand? What is outside this room?

At once, everyone leaves. She gets up, touches the glass wall, and dreams. Why were the people outside so much different than her? Why are their eyes different? Why do they laugh? What do they say? She braces the fear and opens the door and takes a step outside the room of glass. The air is different. Took a deep breath in and she felt her heart beat. It wasn’t beating so fast but not slow. Steady her heart beats. A person that had tried to talk to her numerous times before came to her side. She trembles and for the first time someone is at her side. It’s scary but comforting at the same time. This person starts to speak but this time she understands a few words.

A group of people run up to her side at this time. She feels weak; trys to speak but can’t. Their voices are downed out by the thoughts in her head. Should she have left her room? Is it better to see things from the outside instead of being in them? When she was in her room all she saw what was present; now that she walked out she can remember moments… she remembers very specific situations she witnessed from inside her room. The glass allows her to see what is happening outside. She cannot stand the noise. The noise starts to replay in her head now. “Focus, focus,” the people say to her. Who are these people? Why am I out here? How can they handle the noise? Her legs shake as she turns around grabbing the frame of the door. If she can just get back to her room, it won’t be so loud.

A Goodbye Letter

Dear Ana,

I’m getting to a point in my life where I cannot have you constantly beating me down. It’s time to go our separate ways no matter how painful it may be, you see, it’s the best for me. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m tired of me trying to control my life. Time to give God full control. Although that does seem a little scary I know He will take better care of me than you ever did/will/can.

Throughout the years you have been there for me- a consistent part of my life, really. You have been my way of coping through pain and how I celebrate in good times. For the past year however, you have not been a positive part of my life. The past year I have tried many times to find what I love, what I want to do, to stop making you god and start living life for God. I can’t do these things with you in my life. It just won’t work out.

For the last few months, you made me sick. For a little while you made me feel at peace. Finally I stopped caring about everything. As I lay in the hospital bed that YOU put me in, I found peace. At first it was wonderful. However, you caused me to hurt my friends- the people that really cared for me. I remember the looks on each one of their faces and I recall the guilt that I felt in knowing that I broke several promises. You turned me into someone I didn’t even know. I stopped being a good friend. I stopped caring about my own life. I desired the worst and felt like I deserved the worse because of you.

Although, I realized the harm you caused me I still loved you. It became a love hate relationship at this point. I recognized the hurt you caused yet I still expected you to provide me the comfort/security/everything I needed. As I continued to deal with you, you made me miss great opportunities, lie to friends, miss school, you made me hurt myself.

Today, you scared me. You have caused me to think I’m not deserving of things I need to live. You caused me chest pain, headaches, a racing heart, arrhythmias; you cause me to want to go to the hospital. I no longer desire that.

I’m going to tell you what I desire. I desire to live a life that God has given me-one that is filled with purpose, beauty, and joy. You cannot do this for me and even if you could it would not be to the extent that He can provide me. I am His. He will save me from your grip. He will do more than you ever could. I desire Him. I am choosing Him. I am choosing life. Not you.

I say goodbye Ana.

Yours truly.

life is worth it (part two)

Every time I read posts on givesmehope.com I see acts of God. I see acts of God and I am baffled that people don’t recognize that these acts are from God. I read about how people want to take their life and they even plan it out but at the last minute there is some person that intervenes or there is something that happens that convinces the person that life is worth it.


I see God work when I feel almost hopeless. When I am depressed and I start to fall back into things, God puts me in situations where I am asked about why I believe in God or I am placed in situations where people want to know God and ask me about Him. Its like He is reminding me why I fell in love with Him in the first place; why I gave my life to live for Him.

Why has this been on my mind so much…. Why has this concept of life and the intense fear that people around me are giving up on it and on God… why I am thinking so much about reasons to live…

Maybe it is because my moods are like rollercoasters. And I’m starting to come up out of my depression again. Another time that I was overwhelmed with the idea to give up but didn’t… praise be to God.

I can’t write this and say that I wake up ready to face the day. I struggle getting up. I struggle with the stresses of life. The idea of giving up does play in my head, but I hold on to the hope… the hope that God, whom I know without a doubt exists…has a plan and some purpose for my life. The hope that God can use me to change someone elses life like how He changed mine. The hope that He will come back for me and I will preach His Word to the ends of the earth.

My hope.. my goal I should say is to believe all the things I tell others. I can see the worth God put on others but I don’t see it for myself. Funny thing is… I don’t remember reading in the Bible where it says Jesus died for a select few.