Purposeful Selfishness

Purposeful selfishness.

When I first heard the words, purposeful selfishness in a sentence my first thought was “selfish? We are taught and told not to be selfish- to do things for others.”  In Christianity, my point of view of selfishness is something the Bible speaks against. However, lately I have realized maybe some of us need to be selfish sometimes. A lot of people, including myself, will stretch themselves so thin. If you are like me you will climb over every obstacle, do things you hate, and sacrifice your happiness and time to make others happy or complacent for that matter.

Right now, I’m in the process of quitting a job. I hate this job. I’m not happy there. I leave and go home crying some days (when you get to that point in a job it is more than likely time to quit!). It has been over a week since I said I quit yet I am still there. The reason I bring this up is I could have been out of there sooner! I could have been out of there last week. However I was thinking of others and not myself. I thought about the bind I could leave them in. Who will they hire? Should I leave after they have trained someone for my spot? This job means nothing to me and I mean nothing to these people except another person to cover a shift. This business will not collapse if I’m not there. They won’t cry. The world will go on, I’m sure. At the moment, I’m also in the process of starting another job and have a ton of other activities going on in my life yet I still play nice and roll over and take the shifts I’m offered knowing quite well I will be completely overwhelmed; And when I get overwhelmed, waking up everyday hurts.

If you are anything like me and struggling with an eating disorder, being overwhelmed often leads to me breaking down and letting my disordered behaviors continue. When I overwhelm myself and it is too hard to get out of bed and everyday seems like a huge feat I cannot take on, ED steps on in and I become more trapped.

Where is this lesson going you ask? Well purposeful selfishness is essentially looking out for yourself. Take time out to do things for yourself. If you are not happy change the situation or get out of the situation if it is making you miserable.

Remember here, I’m not preaching that we step all over people and make others miserable but you need to make sure you are taken care of. Think about this way- you need/want to take care of others but first you need to make sure you are okay before you help others. A drug addict won’t be good at helping another drug addict if they are not in a stable state of mind. On an airplane, when oxygen masks are distrusted an adult has to put on their safety mask before they can help the child. Right? 

What if I said give up?

What if I were to tell you give up? What if I were to tell someone who has hit bottom give up on you? That is a terrifying thought, right? Who in their right mind would tell a troubled person at their worst moment to give up on themselves?

Now what if I told you, “give up on yourself, therefore all you can do is look toward God.” If you were to give up your desire, your truths, your everything, and gave up to God? How would it change things? Would I feel free? Would I be lost? Would being lost be better than believing in myself?

I realized this past week that I have made God into something small. I believed that He could not heal me of this disorder. I was too sick to save. But I was special, everyone else can be rescued from the point they are at but not me. I was God’s one exception.

But as I hit a low this week, where I felt exhausted and tired of dealing with all the health problems ED brings about I felt a little hopeless. I lay on my floor, cried and told God I can’t keep doing this. I just want to give up on everything. The world is too much. Adulthood is something I never asked for. Making decisions is something I can’t do. Functioning is becoming way too hard. I wanted to give up on life. And as I continued thinking about what giving up meant I realized I could give up on me. I would be okay with giving up on me. But there is no way I could give up on God. He’s too great. He loves me too much. I pondered this thought for a few days. What does it mean to give up on you but not on God? Is that even possible?

I came to the conclusion, however, that it is possible. I could give up everything and just let God control my life and lead me where He needs me to be. I’m giving up trying to be the best. I’m giving up feelings. I’m giving up trying to make all my dreams come true. Why am I doing that? Because obviously feelings/ trying to be perfect/ chasing after the wind is getting me nowhere and causing me lots of harm. Maybe giving up and allowing God to work will be just what I need. He can do what I can’t. I can’t function on my own; I need His help to do so. Its freeing… giving up on me means giving up my disorder and trusting God will change my mindset since that is impossible on my own it seems.

It’s time for God to lead… the God that wants the best for me, something better than I could ever dream of. It’s time for me to be totally submissive to God who is so much bigger than my problems.

Making a step now to pray more and get into the Word more. Lately I’ve been writing down my prayers which I recommend. It helps my mind not wander and helps me not dwell on topics and looking back through written prayers I can see subtle changes in my thinking and see where God has answered prayers.

How great is our God, that even hitting a bottom I’m not alone and can go to someone who genuinely cares. Ptl.

Hugs.

Since I can’t sleep I decided to write down what I’m thinking in hopes that as I lay down my mind will stop repeating scenes.

“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it so much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry.” –Marya Hornbacher ( Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)

I think of this quote quite often.

Sometimes when I am struggling with my ED, all I want is someone to sit down with me… make me just sit still for one moment and say I am here for you and give me a hug. Even thinking about that makes me cry. Sometimes I think that would make all the difference in recovering.

I have had people- acquaintances, who have giving me a quick hug, which always makes me uncomfortable but that isn’t what I want. A hug is supposed to show someone you care. Now that I’m thinking about it there have only been a few times where someone has hugged me and it actually meant something.

Maybe this is why I miss therapy. Maybe this is why I miss A New Beginning. Even though I wasn’t there for too long I felt cared for. For the first time in a long time I felt as if people cared. They didn’t really know me… but as I told my nutritionist I had to stop going there and I was saying goodbye. She got up and gave me a hug. Not that one arm, as you are leaving, type hugs… she held me tight and told me that she and my treatment team cared. I cried.

I cry now. Thinking the only hugs I have received that have done what they should was by therapists (my first therapist hugged me too which is odd now that I think about it. I told her I didn’t like people touching me.)

Maybe it isn’t even the treatment that I wanted or that I miss. Maybe I miss being cared for.

Hug someone. Maybe it’ll be a difference.