Thoughts and feeling/ Lies and Truth

(lies)

Thoughts and Feelings:

I can’t do this. Hell, I can’t do anything.

How am I supposed to take care of someone else when I can’t take care of me.

I can’t handle all these classes. Its all so unfamiliar.

I can deal with the ED… I can just manage it until I move out or when I get older and then I will get the help I need.

I shouldn’t have told anyone about this ED. I would’ve been better off.

You won’t amount to anything.

You’re friends think you are too much trouble. They would be better off if you didn’t talk to them.

How will you cope? How will you feel okay?

I need to be alone.

Lifes too much for you. Some people just aren’t cut out for it.

Maybe if they just notice how sick you are you will be able to get help. Maybe they will care.

If I just let ED take over I’ll finally reach my full potential. Maybe then I will discover my love for life.

Its intriguing seeing how far down you can go.

Really? More sugar?

Ed isn’t something you can quit or fail at.

You have to get worse how else will God save you?

(truth)

I can do this. Things I set my mind to can be done.

Taking care of someone else will give you joy! Remember how you love helping others?

Its five classes. You can do it. Remember you made it through your AP GOV class. That was like law school. Remember all the work you did your senior year? AP gov, calc, English… you can do this.

Deal with it now, don’t wait. You can’t afford that.

Its good you told someone. You’ve grown in your relationship with God because of it. Would you rather live in ignorance?

Hey, you are already the child of God.

Your friends would’ve left you a long time ago. They have fun with you. They laugh with you. They are here to stay.

Prayer.

You need people.

Jesus died so you could have life. He thought you could handle it.

They’ve seen you sick.  They wont help. Let go of that. Get better despite them.

Only with God can you reach your full potential. Remember when you are really into your ED how unhappy you are and how much life sucks? Remember how it was hard to get out of bed? That’s not a girl who loves life.

How about you see how far up you can go?

One more m&m is not going to make you gain 5 pounds. Its not the end of the world.

ED can kill you.

Hes already saved me. <3

What if I said give up?

What if I were to tell you give up? What if I were to tell someone who has hit bottom give up on you? That is a terrifying thought, right? Who in their right mind would tell a troubled person at their worst moment to give up on themselves?

Now what if I told you, “give up on yourself, therefore all you can do is look toward God.” If you were to give up your desire, your truths, your everything, and gave up to God? How would it change things? Would I feel free? Would I be lost? Would being lost be better than believing in myself?

I realized this past week that I have made God into something small. I believed that He could not heal me of this disorder. I was too sick to save. But I was special, everyone else can be rescued from the point they are at but not me. I was God’s one exception.

But as I hit a low this week, where I felt exhausted and tired of dealing with all the health problems ED brings about I felt a little hopeless. I lay on my floor, cried and told God I can’t keep doing this. I just want to give up on everything. The world is too much. Adulthood is something I never asked for. Making decisions is something I can’t do. Functioning is becoming way too hard. I wanted to give up on life. And as I continued thinking about what giving up meant I realized I could give up on me. I would be okay with giving up on me. But there is no way I could give up on God. He’s too great. He loves me too much. I pondered this thought for a few days. What does it mean to give up on you but not on God? Is that even possible?

I came to the conclusion, however, that it is possible. I could give up everything and just let God control my life and lead me where He needs me to be. I’m giving up trying to be the best. I’m giving up feelings. I’m giving up trying to make all my dreams come true. Why am I doing that? Because obviously feelings/ trying to be perfect/ chasing after the wind is getting me nowhere and causing me lots of harm. Maybe giving up and allowing God to work will be just what I need. He can do what I can’t. I can’t function on my own; I need His help to do so. Its freeing… giving up on me means giving up my disorder and trusting God will change my mindset since that is impossible on my own it seems.

It’s time for God to lead… the God that wants the best for me, something better than I could ever dream of. It’s time for me to be totally submissive to God who is so much bigger than my problems.

Making a step now to pray more and get into the Word more. Lately I’ve been writing down my prayers which I recommend. It helps my mind not wander and helps me not dwell on topics and looking back through written prayers I can see subtle changes in my thinking and see where God has answered prayers.

How great is our God, that even hitting a bottom I’m not alone and can go to someone who genuinely cares. Ptl.