life is worth it.

Hey there,


So I’ve been really depressed lately.

All these thoughts were running through my head and as much as I hate going to people I told a friend to meet with me and he did yesterday. He told me once again I need to change my thinking. I yelled at him a lot. But of course he took it and then gave me the tools I need to not be so overwhelmed and basically told me I need to get myself to do what I have to. Period.

I’m crying at the moment. Even though we met yesterday a story of his just hit me. He works in a hospital and told me about two girls. One girl came in who was 26 and weighted like 80 pounds or less I cant remember. He say I looked at her and saw you. : ( I told my friend how I’m having trouble seeing positive things in life and he told me about another girl, a young girl, came in with cuts on her arms and a cut on her neck. She tried to commit suicide. He said he thought of me; how its possible I’m close to doing that. : (

I thought… How could they not see that life is worth living? They have so much potential why do they not see that? How do they not realize God wants them to live?

I guess I hear these things and tell these things to other people but don’t listen to myself. I mean truly listen and believe that myself. God has a plan and purpose for me. I’m not worthless. I don’t deserve pain. There are positive things in life.

I need to engrave that in my mind. My life is not a waste. Ah. I can use my life to give someone else hope; I can let them know when they are in a crisis…hey I’ve been there and things get better. You can change lives.

The worst thing is having no hope left. Time to restore hope in the world.

i'm mad. so i will eat.

I’m so angry.


I’m so angry with my friends.



Makes me sad to say that because my friends are the main group I hang out with. It started out being a church group but we all became really close friends. We go to church together. We go to movies. We go to church events together and just have fun. But they can make me so frustrated. Two of my friends planned this paintball event for youth not just for people in my church but in others and of course it was implied that our group go. Well I didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money and I didn’t want to waste the time (and gas) because I had work the next day and it was supposed to be a thing where you stay the night at this park (in a tent too yeck). Anyways, the event is now over and I got a text from a friend saying how they were angry with me because I didn’t go. I need to start going to events even if I don’t want to for the good of others. Then I texted another friend that went and they said it was a spiritual retreat and I shoudve been there. Basically it made me feel like crap.

Is Jesus going to be upset if I don’t go to every event? I’m going on a trip to Europe soon I can’t be spending so much money.

Anyways, I’m irritated and you can tell by the way I’m eating.

I’m not even hungry but I’m mad so I’m going to eat. This is something new I used to restrict but atm since I’m not doing that I’ll eat. Granted I’m only eating grapes. But I’m eating more than I should.



Sigh… I can’t be so angry all the time its bad for my health. How sad is that to be irriated with your “family?”

Cupcakes today.

So i had to babysit today and we decided to make cookies and cream cupcakes. Sounds great. Well we messed up on one batch... used confectioners sugar instead of flour... so we had to start alll over. they didnt turn out well... but oh well. it was fun making them. heres some pictures. they dont look too bad. :)

look tasty right? ha

It has been A Long Time...

It has been awhile since I last wrote.


I’m not going to talk too much about the past as I am trying to keep focused on the future. Since the last time I wrote, I have started seeing a new therapist however I feel like it is competely unnecessary. I’m more sane than ever. Granted I have days where I am overwhelmed where it feels like my whole world is crashing down (okay may sound dramatic but that is exactly how I feel at times; side note: I have also read that people with Eds often feel like that, its not dramatic to them; its reality); I still have days where all I want to do is lay in bed and watch the watch pass by. But I see that since I’ve been focusing on God and taking control back little by little that I smile more; I laugh more; I’m not always irriated; I’m happier…. In a way at least. Anyways, press on to the current moment….

Tomorrow I start a vegetarian diet. Being vegetarian has all sorts of benefits and since the numbers on the scale have gone up… I want to better my health and lose some weight. I also watched a clip of the movie Food Inc. which made me never want meat again so…. Tomorrow diet!

Heres the meal plan:

breakfast: smoothie with 1/2 papaya, 1/2 banana, an orange, 1 kiwi, and 1/2 soy milk (i'm using almond vanilla milk.

morning snack is green tea with lemon (no sugar)

lunch salad

lunch snack apricot (i'll prob skip this since i work. )

dinner will be pasta with cherry tomatoes and basil and garlic vinegar stuff



Besides food…

I’m in love with this new band called Gungor. Their album called Beautiful Things is beyond amazing.

The song beautiful things is constantly on replay. Reminds me that no matter where I’m at in life God is “making me new.” I cant change myself. But He can. Ptl.

Here is the video of Gungor singing beautiful things. : )




Well it has been a long day. I’m off to bed. Promise I’m going to update this blog more.