New blog.

Called Jeremiahscoffee. Follow me :)

New blog. New opportunities.

Leaving for Europe soon.

Goals: To try all the espresso I can get my hands on.

To shop at the vintage stores

To attempt to speak Czech

To see the John Lennon wall

To take as many pictures as possible

To meet an SDA European man who is successful and get married.

Hm hope I can check that last one off the list.

FAT. trigger.

I’m triggered. Tonight I’m watching (atm) dr. oz and they are having people on who are obese and they are kids. I dread being fat. And tonight there is a girl who has anorexia and is ’16 and pregnant’. I’ve been eatng healthier lately. Trying a plant based diet because I saw the fannntasssticcc movie “Forks over Knives”. Its hard but so much better for you.

I’ve gone really far into this recovery deal. A year ago I would be restricting and crying on my floor paralyzed. Now I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. God gave me a purpose I realize that now… but I still crave to do what I do…

I feel so fat. I feel obese. All I see is fat. Fat on my wrists and on my ankles. I dread to try on my leotard these days.

My goal was to take a ballet class in Czech this summer but now I think id be too embarrassed.

Wow. Do I feel triggered right now. I’m trying to hold back going and throwing up to be honest.

Glad I made it though the night.

I don’t know why I am like this. I got home last night from work and completely fell apart. Dont get me wrong I want to share the Gospel. I want to please God. But there are some days/nights where I just completely fall into depression and have a hard time getting the focus off of me and my problems and instead focusing on something positive. Last night all the thoughts of hurting myself came up to the forefront of my brain. My friend says that I am more resilient that I think I am; that I can get through tough times and not go to extremes on hurting myself. That line reoccurs in my head over and over. It makes me want to just show him- see I can go to extremes. Yeah… that’s not normal.

And as much as I do want to travel the world and try all these things, I would love to go into treatment. There I said it (as I probably have in other posts)! I would love to go into treatment. Love. Love. Love. Why would I want someone watching me 24 hrs a day? Why would I was blood tests, doctors appointments, therapy? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to these questions, but I guess it would be a way for me to relax. It would show that others will have responsibility over my life instead of me. It would give me a chance to breathe. A break.

But no, I cannot go into treatment. But no doubt, I see myself aiming for that sometimes. I honestly think it isn’t about me being skinny (well okay that is part of the reason of why I restrict); I think the main reason as to why I restrict even though it hurts so bad and even though I recognize the pain and the pain it causes everyone is because I want to be in treatment. I have to continually tell myself no to these thoughts.

As much as last night sucked, God made today great. This happens a lot. I get so down but one thing happens that is good and I realize how thankful I am that I didn’t give in to those thoughts.

There is always hope.

preparing for my trip abroad

I’m getting readying for my trip to Europe. Not going to lie I’m a little afraid. I don’t know if I’m going to want to hang out with my roommates and travel to Germany (like we planned already). AH. I need to figure out a budget and what I need to take.

What would you guys pack on a trip abroad?

I’m going to Czech, Germany and Austria. It looks like its going to be cold but the teachers (study abroad program) said that it is either hot and humid or rainy. I need help packing!!

I’m going to start a new blog before my trip where I can put up all my pictures and whatnot. : )

I’m hoping that I will stand firm in my faith over there and hopefully preach the gospel where I go. Prague is a big party town so hopefully I don’t give in to the world.

Post soon.

:)

life is worth it (part two)

Every time I read posts on givesmehope.com I see acts of God. I see acts of God and I am baffled that people don’t recognize that these acts are from God. I read about how people want to take their life and they even plan it out but at the last minute there is some person that intervenes or there is something that happens that convinces the person that life is worth it.


I see God work when I feel almost hopeless. When I am depressed and I start to fall back into things, God puts me in situations where I am asked about why I believe in God or I am placed in situations where people want to know God and ask me about Him. Its like He is reminding me why I fell in love with Him in the first place; why I gave my life to live for Him.

Why has this been on my mind so much…. Why has this concept of life and the intense fear that people around me are giving up on it and on God… why I am thinking so much about reasons to live…

Maybe it is because my moods are like rollercoasters. And I’m starting to come up out of my depression again. Another time that I was overwhelmed with the idea to give up but didn’t… praise be to God.

I can’t write this and say that I wake up ready to face the day. I struggle getting up. I struggle with the stresses of life. The idea of giving up does play in my head, but I hold on to the hope… the hope that God, whom I know without a doubt exists…has a plan and some purpose for my life. The hope that God can use me to change someone elses life like how He changed mine. The hope that He will come back for me and I will preach His Word to the ends of the earth.

My hope.. my goal I should say is to believe all the things I tell others. I can see the worth God put on others but I don’t see it for myself. Funny thing is… I don’t remember reading in the Bible where it says Jesus died for a select few.