Dear woman living in my house.

"Ask me why she scares me. Do you wanna know why I’m angry? Can’t you tell I’m crying? Mother I don’t feel good. You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me. " Maria Mena (Power Trip Ballad)

Dear woman living in my house,

As much as I have tried to make things work, be a good young lady, get good grades, do well in school, surpass expectations, I have come to the realization it will never be enough and it will never solve any problem that we are facing. I used to hold this idea if I did things differently or performed better my household would function how it should. This however is not the case.

In elementary school I developed the concept if I just behave certain ways I could get by. I could pretend things were okay and get by. That would keep my family intact. That would steady the waves. This concept that I practiced for many years would sometimes lead to turbulence. For example, I did not achieve the grades I was supposed to in middle school thus showing something was wrong. I was not perfect. I wasn’t smart. I had an inability that tutors could not help (at the time). Having you find out of this problem was not okay. You treated me not how a mother should. I sat on the floor, leaning against the couch crying with you sitting with a look on your face that was terrifying. It reminded me of what you see in movies; before a suspect shoots a victim and there is a look in their eyes/face of calmness but you can see the viciousness of what they are thinking. You spoke in that low tone of voice that was shaky. I got a C in math. It must be the end of the world! I thought it was for me. You were ready to hit me. I saw it. I saw it in your eyes and your body language. However this was not the first time, was it? Do you even remember? Do you remember all the times I ran from you? Do you remember me crying? Did you think this was normal? When you dreamt of having a family is this what you had envisioned?

Remember that time I was so proud of the work I had done for class and you came over, looked at my work and mentioned all the things wrong with my paper? Do you remember how you grounded me for being upset? There is another blow to my self-esteem. I thought I did this wonderful job and you come by and destroy that. Remember telling dad that his child is out of control? I could hear everything you said about me. I can always hear you speak about me; will it ever be positive?

You made it seem like you were proud of me when I played piano. However that did not last long. You were proud until I started making mistakes. Your daughter wasn’t the piano prodigy you thought she was. Remember making me stay with piano for a year even thought I hated going? I dreaded going. I was tired of making mistakes, being forced into practicing piano, forced into sitting at a piano bench for hours just to perfect two lines. It was a joy to play at one point of which you ruined.

It amazes me how you can look at yourself in the mirror. Leave your daughter to catch a ride home with strangers because you forgot to tell her you were going to a concert; or the best time of all when a coach/teacher had to take me home due to you “forgetting.” It was terrifying for me to come home to an unlocked house to find you passed out on the couch. I wake you up to bitch about how I called many many times, as did my dad and all I hear is your slurred words. I left and didn’t come home for hours. No one called. No one cared where I was. I sat by the highway crying; I wondered if anyone cared. Two women on a walk stopped and asked if I was okay. My face red, eyes bloodshot from crying, I choked out a “yes I am okay.” Although this was clearly a lie. They continued on their walk. I just wanted help. I feared going home. I feared you. I feared being in your presence. I can’t even tell you how many times I prayed to God that you would go totally out of control and there would be evidence so I could be taken away from you. I can’t even express how terrified I was of you.

So many times I would run to the bathroom in fear of you. I would lock myself in since it was the only safe room. You confronted me so many times in an outrage over little things, especially in high school. If I didn’t fold a towel right I was subject to scorn, a drunken rage. I would be resting in my room after a hard practice and you would barge in screaming at me with that same look in your eyes.

Today, all I have to do is say what is good about my day and you call me selfish. You call me so many names and cuss when there is no such need. You act out wherever we are. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every time you are around me.

You terrified me and in my own home there was no refuge. I went to dad and he was no help. Ignoring the problem because confronting it would create more turbulence and we both could not have it. If you were to ask me if I would be mad at him, I would say no. He works hard and provides for me. Your money goes to your drinking and it angers me dad works so hard for you to spend thousands of dollars on your habit. He has also faced you and your insanity. He has the task of calming you down. I feel bad for him. He deserves much better. When I go out with him, single women start talking with him. Pretty women who I’m sure have better jobs than you and I can see joy in their eyes. He deserves someone like that, not you.

I’m tired of you blaming everything on me. I’m tired of you not stepping up and providing a better life for yourself. For me. For dad. I’m mad at you for not doing anything, not one thing, when a therapist told you I had an eating disorder. She explained how I couldn’t even hold my head up when I came in to talk with her. She told you I was close to having a heart attack. She told you I needed in-patient and you did nothing. You did nothing. What kind of person hears that, and hears how their daughter was in the hospital, is really sick and does nothing about it? How can you look yourself in the mirror? I was sick. Horribly sick and not one person stepped up to help me in my so called family. I could die; I was screaming for help. I paid over a thousand dollars out of my own pocket for out patient help. I was desperate and you didn’t care. You drove me home from that appointment angry. How could I ever come to you? How do you hear this as a mother and not do a single thing to help?

Throughout all these years, for ten years of dealing with an eating disorder, in dealing with drugs, and depression I’m finally realizing I’m going to break away from you. I’m going to take care of myself. You made me hurt for way too long. I feel like I’m finally going to take care of me since no one else will. Someday soon we are going to break apart and to be honest I never want to speak with you again. One day I hope you wake up and realize how horrible you were to me and apologize. Maybe then I will find forgiveness.

Sincerely,

The stranger in the other room.

Glass Room

Everything is so unfamiliar. She is walking around in this room which she has been in for most of her life yet today every step seems like she is walking on new ground. From one corner of this room to the next, she glances around and it’s as if this is all new. The walls are glass. She places her palm on the wall and suddenly realizes that people are outside. Her heart beats faster and but her mind is still. Blankly she stares. The smiles on their faces are showing emotions unknown to her. As she backs away, there appears a door. She runs to the door as if she knows what is behind it, but knowing in her heart that she needs to find out, she runs; but she can’t open the door. She starts to hear dull laughter from the people outside and starts to cry. How did she end up here? How long has she been here? Why does this room seem comfortable yet confining? She cries and dwells on these questions. Then, someone opens the door. A few people walked in and paced the length of the room. Empty and cold. They try to speak with her but she can’t understand. How long has she been here? There is something unique about their eyes; she wants what they have but can’t voice her need. The people come and go; watch and speak and this girl does nothing but look at them with concern. What are they thinking? Why can’t she understand? What is outside this room?

At once, everyone leaves. She gets up, touches the glass wall, and dreams. Why were the people outside so much different than her? Why are their eyes different? Why do they laugh? What do they say? She braces the fear and opens the door and takes a step outside the room of glass. The air is different. Took a deep breath in and she felt her heart beat. It wasn’t beating so fast but not slow. Steady her heart beats. A person that had tried to talk to her numerous times before came to her side. She trembles and for the first time someone is at her side. It’s scary but comforting at the same time. This person starts to speak but this time she understands a few words.

A group of people run up to her side at this time. She feels weak; trys to speak but can’t. Their voices are downed out by the thoughts in her head. Should she have left her room? Is it better to see things from the outside instead of being in them? When she was in her room all she saw what was present; now that she walked out she can remember moments… she remembers very specific situations she witnessed from inside her room. The glass allows her to see what is happening outside. She cannot stand the noise. The noise starts to replay in her head now. “Focus, focus,” the people say to her. Who are these people? Why am I out here? How can they handle the noise? Her legs shake as she turns around grabbing the frame of the door. If she can just get back to her room, it won’t be so loud.

RE: Hugs

“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it so much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry.” –Marya Hornbacher ( Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)

This entrance is mainly a continuance of a recent blog post called “Hugs.” I stated how a simple hug could possibly help me recover and how it is something I want but am somewhat fearful of at the same time.

Recently I hung out with a friend of mine. I’ve known him for around 7 years and although I don’t see him a lot we can always get together and have fun and it is if we never were apart. This guy knows a lot about me for not seeing me often… we don’t even talk often and somehow he knows things I haven’t even said.

After hanging out together with some friends we off by ourselves and ended up sitting outside on this couch… it was unbelievable. This guy saw right through everything. He sat right close next to me and said everything I fear. I was able to speak about my ed without feeling judged. He didn’t try to change me or yell at me to change my thinking. He listened.

Later he took me back to my car and went for a hug which he knows I dislike and I backed off at first but gave a hug. We started talking about that- hugging. And it was an awkward conversation… I told him how I hate hugging but its something I need more often. He then pulled me toward him and held me tight till I relaxed. I wanted to cry.

This all sounds so lame coming from me. But that had to be one of the best moments ever. He knew I didn’t want it, but I needed it. I thank God for that moment. I hadn’t felt that wonderful in a long time. I felt cared for that night. He cared. He was everything I needed in that moment.

Sounds so dramatic but I’ve just never had that. It was one of the best moments ever.

Thoughts and feeling/ Lies and Truth

(lies)

Thoughts and Feelings:

I can’t do this. Hell, I can’t do anything.

How am I supposed to take care of someone else when I can’t take care of me.

I can’t handle all these classes. Its all so unfamiliar.

I can deal with the ED… I can just manage it until I move out or when I get older and then I will get the help I need.

I shouldn’t have told anyone about this ED. I would’ve been better off.

You won’t amount to anything.

You’re friends think you are too much trouble. They would be better off if you didn’t talk to them.

How will you cope? How will you feel okay?

I need to be alone.

Lifes too much for you. Some people just aren’t cut out for it.

Maybe if they just notice how sick you are you will be able to get help. Maybe they will care.

If I just let ED take over I’ll finally reach my full potential. Maybe then I will discover my love for life.

Its intriguing seeing how far down you can go.

Really? More sugar?

Ed isn’t something you can quit or fail at.

You have to get worse how else will God save you?

(truth)

I can do this. Things I set my mind to can be done.

Taking care of someone else will give you joy! Remember how you love helping others?

Its five classes. You can do it. Remember you made it through your AP GOV class. That was like law school. Remember all the work you did your senior year? AP gov, calc, English… you can do this.

Deal with it now, don’t wait. You can’t afford that.

Its good you told someone. You’ve grown in your relationship with God because of it. Would you rather live in ignorance?

Hey, you are already the child of God.

Your friends would’ve left you a long time ago. They have fun with you. They laugh with you. They are here to stay.

Prayer.

You need people.

Jesus died so you could have life. He thought you could handle it.

They’ve seen you sick.  They wont help. Let go of that. Get better despite them.

Only with God can you reach your full potential. Remember when you are really into your ED how unhappy you are and how much life sucks? Remember how it was hard to get out of bed? That’s not a girl who loves life.

How about you see how far up you can go?

One more m&m is not going to make you gain 5 pounds. Its not the end of the world.

ED can kill you.

Hes already saved me. <3

What if I said give up?

What if I were to tell you give up? What if I were to tell someone who has hit bottom give up on you? That is a terrifying thought, right? Who in their right mind would tell a troubled person at their worst moment to give up on themselves?

Now what if I told you, “give up on yourself, therefore all you can do is look toward God.” If you were to give up your desire, your truths, your everything, and gave up to God? How would it change things? Would I feel free? Would I be lost? Would being lost be better than believing in myself?

I realized this past week that I have made God into something small. I believed that He could not heal me of this disorder. I was too sick to save. But I was special, everyone else can be rescued from the point they are at but not me. I was God’s one exception.

But as I hit a low this week, where I felt exhausted and tired of dealing with all the health problems ED brings about I felt a little hopeless. I lay on my floor, cried and told God I can’t keep doing this. I just want to give up on everything. The world is too much. Adulthood is something I never asked for. Making decisions is something I can’t do. Functioning is becoming way too hard. I wanted to give up on life. And as I continued thinking about what giving up meant I realized I could give up on me. I would be okay with giving up on me. But there is no way I could give up on God. He’s too great. He loves me too much. I pondered this thought for a few days. What does it mean to give up on you but not on God? Is that even possible?

I came to the conclusion, however, that it is possible. I could give up everything and just let God control my life and lead me where He needs me to be. I’m giving up trying to be the best. I’m giving up feelings. I’m giving up trying to make all my dreams come true. Why am I doing that? Because obviously feelings/ trying to be perfect/ chasing after the wind is getting me nowhere and causing me lots of harm. Maybe giving up and allowing God to work will be just what I need. He can do what I can’t. I can’t function on my own; I need His help to do so. Its freeing… giving up on me means giving up my disorder and trusting God will change my mindset since that is impossible on my own it seems.

It’s time for God to lead… the God that wants the best for me, something better than I could ever dream of. It’s time for me to be totally submissive to God who is so much bigger than my problems.

Making a step now to pray more and get into the Word more. Lately I’ve been writing down my prayers which I recommend. It helps my mind not wander and helps me not dwell on topics and looking back through written prayers I can see subtle changes in my thinking and see where God has answered prayers.

How great is our God, that even hitting a bottom I’m not alone and can go to someone who genuinely cares. Ptl.

Hugs.

Since I can’t sleep I decided to write down what I’m thinking in hopes that as I lay down my mind will stop repeating scenes.

“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it so much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry.” –Marya Hornbacher ( Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)

I think of this quote quite often.

Sometimes when I am struggling with my ED, all I want is someone to sit down with me… make me just sit still for one moment and say I am here for you and give me a hug. Even thinking about that makes me cry. Sometimes I think that would make all the difference in recovering.

I have had people- acquaintances, who have giving me a quick hug, which always makes me uncomfortable but that isn’t what I want. A hug is supposed to show someone you care. Now that I’m thinking about it there have only been a few times where someone has hugged me and it actually meant something.

Maybe this is why I miss therapy. Maybe this is why I miss A New Beginning. Even though I wasn’t there for too long I felt cared for. For the first time in a long time I felt as if people cared. They didn’t really know me… but as I told my nutritionist I had to stop going there and I was saying goodbye. She got up and gave me a hug. Not that one arm, as you are leaving, type hugs… she held me tight and told me that she and my treatment team cared. I cried.

I cry now. Thinking the only hugs I have received that have done what they should was by therapists (my first therapist hugged me too which is odd now that I think about it. I told her I didn’t like people touching me.)

Maybe it isn’t even the treatment that I wanted or that I miss. Maybe I miss being cared for.

Hug someone. Maybe it’ll be a difference.

Blog Carnival: Weight stigma I

This blog post is written for Voice in Recovery WeightStigma Blog Carnival. Throughout the next month or two in preparation for the National Weight Stigma Awareness Week (September 26-30) Voice in Recovery (and Binge Eating Disorder Association) is having a blog carnival where everyone can share their experiences and bring about awareness on the topic of Weight Stigma. Please visit the website and join in the Blog Carnival!

Stigma. Stig-ma. Stig-muh.

1.       A mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation.

2.       A mental or physical mark that is characteristic of a defect or disease.  (dictionary.com)

Personally, I don’t hear the word stigma a lot; but when I do it’s usually used when talking about taboo subjects, in my anthropology classes, or when talking about mental illnesses. You hear about different social stigmas but one I (and I’m assuming the public) do not really hear about is weight stigma. That’s right; I said it, weight stigma.

There are various times in my life where someone has made harsh remarks to me about my weight, however one memory sticks out more than the others. This comment was not made in the start of my eating disorder, but it was a key part that led to me quitting something I loved and it gave more power to my eating disorder.

Ballet class. I absolutely loved it. The pink tights, black leotard, the whole-nine-yards- I loved it! I enjoyed the intensity of class, the classical music playing, and the gracefulness of each move. I particularly liked how the teacher taught class. He was classically trained and principal dancer in his home country’s ballet. I looked up to him. He corrected every wrong move someone made and pushed his students harder than one possible. In his class of around twenty-five, he had a select few of students that he pushed harder and focused on more- I was one of them. He would call the select few students out, tell us how fantastic were doing, what specifically we need to improve on, and use us as examples to everyone else. At first, this was great. Who doesn’t want to feel special by their teacher? Who doesn’t like to be called out in class for doing something good?

Although this felt great at first, it took a turn for the worst around the middle of the year with him. He started comparing my body to other petite girls in class. I recall during one class, as everyone was on their backs on the floor doing hundreds of sit ups, my teacher would walk and look at each person as he counted the number of sit ups we did. When he got to me he stopped over me and watched me for a second long than the others and said in his broken English, “You need to lose that weight in your stomach.” I was stunned. I knew I had some extra pounds on me but I was by no means overweight; however, once he said that statement, my eating disorder really kicked in to high gear. A normal healthy weight no longer would be accepted as okay or healthy. I was fat. A fat ballerina. After we finished working out, a group of girls and I were complaining about the intense workout we just had and my teacher looks at me and says “if you were to lose that weight you would be a great ballerina.” It wasn’t just me that heard this comment… my friends did to.

It is difficult to put into words how these words affected me. My idol, someone I looked up to.. just told me I need to lose weight. He would continue with these statements.

Beyond making me upset and anxious to go into this class- a class I once loved, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin (more so than ever), and I started paying more attention to the number on a scale. Because of the pressure I started to feel in my ballet classes and worrying about my health, I eventually had to quit ballet. Now I’m not blaming him directly for my eating disorder, but I do think his comments played a part in continuing my disorder and leading me to become more obsessed about what I ate.

What I’ve learned since my ballet days is that people hear these comments all the time. People look at others and make comments about their weight oblivious (?) to the fact that saying phrases like you need to lose weight in order to fit some ideal can cause serious harm; and truly affect the lives of those who they are speaking to. Putting pressure on people to lose weight (when not a health risk) can be extremely hurtful. As you can see from my story and to the others who are posting about WeightStigma these negative comments can influence eating disorders and continually perpetuates the idea that the size of our bodies determine how successful we are in life… or in my case how successful I would be in the ballet world.

This is ridiculous. This is a serious problem our society faces. The weight/size/stature of a person does not tell ones personality/talents/successes…

Now its time to my weight is no longer going to define me and cause me to be scared to be seen in my pink tights and leo. I’m not going to be afraid or persuaded that I cannot do something because of the shape of my body and I no longer want to hear these harsh comments made about weight.

Help me in changing our communities from holding the idea that there is such thing as a perfect body or that the model type body is the only thing that is beautiful; dancers help me change this idea that in order to be a good dancer you don’t have to be petite/underweight/super thin and that you can be a beautiful dancer no matter your weight.  

Again check out Voice In Recovery's blog and follow on twitter!

A Goodbye Letter

Dear Ana,

I’m getting to a point in my life where I cannot have you constantly beating me down. It’s time to go our separate ways no matter how painful it may be, you see, it’s the best for me. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m tired of me trying to control my life. Time to give God full control. Although that does seem a little scary I know He will take better care of me than you ever did/will/can.

Throughout the years you have been there for me- a consistent part of my life, really. You have been my way of coping through pain and how I celebrate in good times. For the past year however, you have not been a positive part of my life. The past year I have tried many times to find what I love, what I want to do, to stop making you god and start living life for God. I can’t do these things with you in my life. It just won’t work out.

For the last few months, you made me sick. For a little while you made me feel at peace. Finally I stopped caring about everything. As I lay in the hospital bed that YOU put me in, I found peace. At first it was wonderful. However, you caused me to hurt my friends- the people that really cared for me. I remember the looks on each one of their faces and I recall the guilt that I felt in knowing that I broke several promises. You turned me into someone I didn’t even know. I stopped being a good friend. I stopped caring about my own life. I desired the worst and felt like I deserved the worse because of you.

Although, I realized the harm you caused me I still loved you. It became a love hate relationship at this point. I recognized the hurt you caused yet I still expected you to provide me the comfort/security/everything I needed. As I continued to deal with you, you made me miss great opportunities, lie to friends, miss school, you made me hurt myself.

Today, you scared me. You have caused me to think I’m not deserving of things I need to live. You caused me chest pain, headaches, a racing heart, arrhythmias; you cause me to want to go to the hospital. I no longer desire that.

I’m going to tell you what I desire. I desire to live a life that God has given me-one that is filled with purpose, beauty, and joy. You cannot do this for me and even if you could it would not be to the extent that He can provide me. I am His. He will save me from your grip. He will do more than you ever could. I desire Him. I am choosing Him. I am choosing life. Not you.

I say goodbye Ana.

Yours truly.

start saying I can

Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. The next day. Next Week.

It all seems very daunting to me. It seems like more days to worry about my next move, to worry about my classes, to try and hold myself together. But although life seems quite chaotic, unbearable, awful, (whatever word you would like to throw in, it can be fun… it can be a lot better than the current situation I am in now.

You see, I have moments of clarity. I do. I have moments where my ED is not controlling me and I can smile genuinely, laugh to the point I cry, and have thoughts that make sense… however most of the time, I’m stuck in my own reality where north is south, east is actually west, hot is cold and food is something for the weak. My reality is one that is shaken by the littlest move, the tiniest mistake causes my world to crash down which in turn makes me think that I’m a failure. Often enough I feel as if I have passed the point of no return where I made one too many mistakes and have come to the conclusion that I am a failure. If you ask me too, I can tell you various moments that confirmed this thought.

If I keep on believing this thought-process though, I’m not going to get better. I’m not going to be able to get through the control of this ED.

Time to change things. Tell myself, I am not a failure. I’m good at making people feel comfortable (as I am told), I am a loyal friend, I am someone who can dance, who can cheer someone up… I have things to offer the world. I’m going to start telling myself I can and see how that goes. See how changing my mindset can result in days not seeming so scary…

Let this be part of my recovery toolbox (somethingfishy.org).

letter to God

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have failed you yet again. I can’t hear you. I’m making big decisions and I fear you are not in them. Lord I have wants to be more involved in the church… to preach… to spread your Word.. to talk of You. I feel as if I could be doing something now to glorify you and its not just going to school and working. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I’m not being used. I feel like I’m willing so why is nothing happening? This makes me feel horrible. Since I’m not doing anything I feel awful. I should be doing something and I fear I have made too many wrong choices.

I feel as if I walk a fine line.

In Prague I didn’t have to deal with this. My main focus was talking about God. Here idk what my main focus is. I know it should be God. Its like I don’t know how to get there though. I feel like all I can focus on here is food and if I am going to eat or not or how am I going to improve myself today.

Tell me what I have to do in order to change this.

Yours Truly.

second chances

HA! My God is awesome.

Yesterday I was so upset. I knew and was determined to start getting sick and more into my ed again. This is a difficult process but I believe God is really helping me through this.

Here is a song that really brings me back and helps me see that I did not damage God’s plan for me and even though I go back to old ways I’m able to get a new start through Him.

 

Fear

Fear.

God’s answer to fear? “Do not be afraid.”

Well that’s great. There are no steps to how not to fear. There is no outline for me to follow. All there is, is those four words: Do Not Be Afraid. And also the fact that the person saying this is the Almighty God…

Do not fear is easier said than done, of course. I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept of fear lately. One reason being I’m afraid of everything. Correction… not everything. But sometimes I do wonder if I’m going to develop agoraphobia. I’m so fearful of going into unfamiliar situations. For example, yesterday I wanted to do yoga. I found several places offering good deals for new students like 2 weeks of yoga for only 20 dollars… these places are right by my house and I wanted to go so bad. I spent all day looking at times and classes of when I could go. Instead of jumping into my car with my new yoga gear I had second thoughts. These places are new… what if I don’t like them… what if I don’t fit in… what if its not like my other yoga studio… what if… what if… what if… after two hours (yes… I said it… two hours!) of going back and forth on whether I should go to one of these new yoga studios or not. I ultimately decided I would just go to my regular one. Its familiar. But then I thought… I’m going to be paying almost twenty bucks for a class when I could go to one of these new studios for 2 weeks for that price.

Well all this thinking caused me to give up. My head hurt. I felt sick that I couldn’t make a decision. I had anxiety just thinking about walking into a new place. Not worth it. Not worth putting myself through all this. So not only did fear contribute to me not being able to make a decision it lead me to running seven miles later because I did not get a workout in earlier.

Why do I fear unfamiliar places? I went to Europe. Throw in a place where I knew no one, didn’t know the language, culture and practices, and yet I felt more comfortable there than I do here. I thought my adventurous side was coming out and I was able to leave fear behind me in the dust. Apparently not.

This fear of not wanting to be in unfamiliar places is leading me to turning down job offers/internships which could really benefit my future. I really need to work on this.

So what to do about this:

Realize that God is in control

It is okay to make mistakes- nothing too bad will happen

Realize that you will be missing out on so many opportunities

That not going through with things will just lead to more confusion/hatred/anger… nothing good.

Push myself to get out of the house!

Its okay not to know what the next step is… turn this fear into curiosity.

Is God all you need?

FYI: new blog... http://jeremiahscoffee.blogspot.com/

Okay that sounds like a ridiculous question. My answer would be yes, of course God is all you need. Is that my solution to every problem, question, or concern? This is what I"m trying to figure out.

In theory I know God can help you work through anything. He can change mindsets. With your want, He can completely transform you. God gives people a purpose. He gives us millions of second chances.

So if I know all this and believe this, how come I can't jump in and fully want God to change me?

Whats bringing all this up is I'm back from Europe and over there I was good. I ate too much; I didn't obsess about my weight. I didn't have anxiety. I return home to an overwhelming amount of anxiety to the point where it hurts to breathe and I end up lying on my bedroom floor dizzy, upset, and shaky.

I'm returning to the habits I had before I left. Routine of running, having to see what my weight is (because that tenth of a pound is quite important), doing my daily critique in the mirror and going over everything that is wrong with myself. And i'll stumble my way to the kitchen packed with food that I will most likely go bad because i'm on a diet. Yes, yes, I know I see things I could force myself to stop doing and I see how this is illogical. No one needs to tell me this.

I'm afriad I'm falling back into this problem again. There is always this fear/joy in the back of my mind now that I'm going to be in the hospital. I'm going to snap again...completely lose my mind and make it harder for myself to get out of this mess.

Last night a friend gave me what he thinks may help. Quoting the Bible. So before thoughts that I know (or should know) not to be true pops into my head I should not even go forth in thinking about it. I should just say a bible verse like Isaish 26:3 or the one where it says He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I guess it could work. Maybe my fear in doing this is that it will work.

Don't I want to get better? Yes and no. When I sit on my bed upset and can't breathe yes I do want to get better. When i'm able to turn away from something people deem necessary for our existance I say no.

Maybe my question is not Is God all you need to get better....maybe it should be: How willing are you to let God heal you? What lengths are you willing to go to follow Him?

Psalm 30:2

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.

the movie Lidice

Last night we saw the movie Lidice. It was a wonderful movie about this town outside Praha that was completely wiped out by Hitler’s regime. Kids were gassed if they did not fit the ideal person- blonde hair and white with blue eyes; the women were off to concentration camps of which a few women survived; and the men and the boys above the age of 16 were shot. It was a difficult movie to digest. But it was told in a really amazing way. I guess it was the only place the Germans admitted to practicing genocide. I’m so glad I saw this movie. It is crazy to think that this happened like a half an hour away from Praha. Its also weird to think that Hitler and his regime were here. We may be walking the same streets as them.

This movie theatre was amazing also. The artwork was amazing. It looked like an opera house. Not something you would see in Phoenix. What is interesting about this place is that it has been around since 1909 and the place looks fantastic. There are no sticky floors, candy everywhere, popcorn, none of that. It was carpet, nice seats, it was in great condition. People definitely respect the art here. If this place was in Phoenix I can almost guarantee that this place would be defamed.

I’m really liking the way people take their time (granted this was a problem when we had breakfast and we were starving and it took forever to get our food..). When you go out to eat you don’t get the feeling as if you are being rushed. You could sit there all day if you want. What was interesting also was after the movie. No one rushed out of the theatre when the credits started. People stayed from beginning to end. No one was late coming in. No one left in the middle of the movie. People stayed; definitely not the case in America. People crowd the doors at the beginning of the credits.

Anyways, today we go explore Praha. Charles bridge and get lost. Wonderful.

fisrt night in prague

Well, had my first night in Prague. I flew and travelled for about 24 hours to get here. We went through the hassle of getting NEW roomates and dragging our stuff up flights of stairs... and i find out my new roomate is this older lady. Nothing against older ladies but its kind of awkward. We dont have anything in common it seems.

We go to lay down for bed and she states that she has a sleep problem where she snores loud! I have issues with that with my mom. Its so frekaing irriating. Now I'm stuck in a room with someone who snores for a month! Are you freaking kidding me?
(Right now I'm listening to her talk foreveerrrrr about her heart attack about four years ago; which she contanstly talks about).

So this roomate situation is not working out. Hopefully we can do something about this soon before i go crazy!

So i ended up leaving my room and sleeping on a friends floor.
Great.

Oh and its Sabbath... its weird not going to church today. :/

New blog.

Called Jeremiahscoffee. Follow me :)

New blog. New opportunities.

Leaving for Europe soon.

Goals: To try all the espresso I can get my hands on.

To shop at the vintage stores

To attempt to speak Czech

To see the John Lennon wall

To take as many pictures as possible

To meet an SDA European man who is successful and get married.

Hm hope I can check that last one off the list.

FAT. trigger.

I’m triggered. Tonight I’m watching (atm) dr. oz and they are having people on who are obese and they are kids. I dread being fat. And tonight there is a girl who has anorexia and is ’16 and pregnant’. I’ve been eatng healthier lately. Trying a plant based diet because I saw the fannntasssticcc movie “Forks over Knives”. Its hard but so much better for you.

I’ve gone really far into this recovery deal. A year ago I would be restricting and crying on my floor paralyzed. Now I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. God gave me a purpose I realize that now… but I still crave to do what I do…

I feel so fat. I feel obese. All I see is fat. Fat on my wrists and on my ankles. I dread to try on my leotard these days.

My goal was to take a ballet class in Czech this summer but now I think id be too embarrassed.

Wow. Do I feel triggered right now. I’m trying to hold back going and throwing up to be honest.

Glad I made it though the night.

I don’t know why I am like this. I got home last night from work and completely fell apart. Dont get me wrong I want to share the Gospel. I want to please God. But there are some days/nights where I just completely fall into depression and have a hard time getting the focus off of me and my problems and instead focusing on something positive. Last night all the thoughts of hurting myself came up to the forefront of my brain. My friend says that I am more resilient that I think I am; that I can get through tough times and not go to extremes on hurting myself. That line reoccurs in my head over and over. It makes me want to just show him- see I can go to extremes. Yeah… that’s not normal.

And as much as I do want to travel the world and try all these things, I would love to go into treatment. There I said it (as I probably have in other posts)! I would love to go into treatment. Love. Love. Love. Why would I want someone watching me 24 hrs a day? Why would I was blood tests, doctors appointments, therapy? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to these questions, but I guess it would be a way for me to relax. It would show that others will have responsibility over my life instead of me. It would give me a chance to breathe. A break.

But no, I cannot go into treatment. But no doubt, I see myself aiming for that sometimes. I honestly think it isn’t about me being skinny (well okay that is part of the reason of why I restrict); I think the main reason as to why I restrict even though it hurts so bad and even though I recognize the pain and the pain it causes everyone is because I want to be in treatment. I have to continually tell myself no to these thoughts.

As much as last night sucked, God made today great. This happens a lot. I get so down but one thing happens that is good and I realize how thankful I am that I didn’t give in to those thoughts.

There is always hope.

preparing for my trip abroad

I’m getting readying for my trip to Europe. Not going to lie I’m a little afraid. I don’t know if I’m going to want to hang out with my roommates and travel to Germany (like we planned already). AH. I need to figure out a budget and what I need to take.

What would you guys pack on a trip abroad?

I’m going to Czech, Germany and Austria. It looks like its going to be cold but the teachers (study abroad program) said that it is either hot and humid or rainy. I need help packing!!

I’m going to start a new blog before my trip where I can put up all my pictures and whatnot. : )

I’m hoping that I will stand firm in my faith over there and hopefully preach the gospel where I go. Prague is a big party town so hopefully I don’t give in to the world.

Post soon.

:)

life is worth it (part two)

Every time I read posts on givesmehope.com I see acts of God. I see acts of God and I am baffled that people don’t recognize that these acts are from God. I read about how people want to take their life and they even plan it out but at the last minute there is some person that intervenes or there is something that happens that convinces the person that life is worth it.


I see God work when I feel almost hopeless. When I am depressed and I start to fall back into things, God puts me in situations where I am asked about why I believe in God or I am placed in situations where people want to know God and ask me about Him. Its like He is reminding me why I fell in love with Him in the first place; why I gave my life to live for Him.

Why has this been on my mind so much…. Why has this concept of life and the intense fear that people around me are giving up on it and on God… why I am thinking so much about reasons to live…

Maybe it is because my moods are like rollercoasters. And I’m starting to come up out of my depression again. Another time that I was overwhelmed with the idea to give up but didn’t… praise be to God.

I can’t write this and say that I wake up ready to face the day. I struggle getting up. I struggle with the stresses of life. The idea of giving up does play in my head, but I hold on to the hope… the hope that God, whom I know without a doubt exists…has a plan and some purpose for my life. The hope that God can use me to change someone elses life like how He changed mine. The hope that He will come back for me and I will preach His Word to the ends of the earth.

My hope.. my goal I should say is to believe all the things I tell others. I can see the worth God put on others but I don’t see it for myself. Funny thing is… I don’t remember reading in the Bible where it says Jesus died for a select few.

life is worth it.

Hey there,


So I’ve been really depressed lately.

All these thoughts were running through my head and as much as I hate going to people I told a friend to meet with me and he did yesterday. He told me once again I need to change my thinking. I yelled at him a lot. But of course he took it and then gave me the tools I need to not be so overwhelmed and basically told me I need to get myself to do what I have to. Period.

I’m crying at the moment. Even though we met yesterday a story of his just hit me. He works in a hospital and told me about two girls. One girl came in who was 26 and weighted like 80 pounds or less I cant remember. He say I looked at her and saw you. : ( I told my friend how I’m having trouble seeing positive things in life and he told me about another girl, a young girl, came in with cuts on her arms and a cut on her neck. She tried to commit suicide. He said he thought of me; how its possible I’m close to doing that. : (

I thought… How could they not see that life is worth living? They have so much potential why do they not see that? How do they not realize God wants them to live?

I guess I hear these things and tell these things to other people but don’t listen to myself. I mean truly listen and believe that myself. God has a plan and purpose for me. I’m not worthless. I don’t deserve pain. There are positive things in life.

I need to engrave that in my mind. My life is not a waste. Ah. I can use my life to give someone else hope; I can let them know when they are in a crisis…hey I’ve been there and things get better. You can change lives.

The worst thing is having no hope left. Time to restore hope in the world.

i'm mad. so i will eat.

I’m so angry.


I’m so angry with my friends.



Makes me sad to say that because my friends are the main group I hang out with. It started out being a church group but we all became really close friends. We go to church together. We go to movies. We go to church events together and just have fun. But they can make me so frustrated. Two of my friends planned this paintball event for youth not just for people in my church but in others and of course it was implied that our group go. Well I didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money and I didn’t want to waste the time (and gas) because I had work the next day and it was supposed to be a thing where you stay the night at this park (in a tent too yeck). Anyways, the event is now over and I got a text from a friend saying how they were angry with me because I didn’t go. I need to start going to events even if I don’t want to for the good of others. Then I texted another friend that went and they said it was a spiritual retreat and I shoudve been there. Basically it made me feel like crap.

Is Jesus going to be upset if I don’t go to every event? I’m going on a trip to Europe soon I can’t be spending so much money.

Anyways, I’m irritated and you can tell by the way I’m eating.

I’m not even hungry but I’m mad so I’m going to eat. This is something new I used to restrict but atm since I’m not doing that I’ll eat. Granted I’m only eating grapes. But I’m eating more than I should.



Sigh… I can’t be so angry all the time its bad for my health. How sad is that to be irriated with your “family?”

Cupcakes today.

So i had to babysit today and we decided to make cookies and cream cupcakes. Sounds great. Well we messed up on one batch... used confectioners sugar instead of flour... so we had to start alll over. they didnt turn out well... but oh well. it was fun making them. heres some pictures. they dont look too bad. :)

look tasty right? ha

It has been A Long Time...

It has been awhile since I last wrote.


I’m not going to talk too much about the past as I am trying to keep focused on the future. Since the last time I wrote, I have started seeing a new therapist however I feel like it is competely unnecessary. I’m more sane than ever. Granted I have days where I am overwhelmed where it feels like my whole world is crashing down (okay may sound dramatic but that is exactly how I feel at times; side note: I have also read that people with Eds often feel like that, its not dramatic to them; its reality); I still have days where all I want to do is lay in bed and watch the watch pass by. But I see that since I’ve been focusing on God and taking control back little by little that I smile more; I laugh more; I’m not always irriated; I’m happier…. In a way at least. Anyways, press on to the current moment….

Tomorrow I start a vegetarian diet. Being vegetarian has all sorts of benefits and since the numbers on the scale have gone up… I want to better my health and lose some weight. I also watched a clip of the movie Food Inc. which made me never want meat again so…. Tomorrow diet!

Heres the meal plan:

breakfast: smoothie with 1/2 papaya, 1/2 banana, an orange, 1 kiwi, and 1/2 soy milk (i'm using almond vanilla milk.

morning snack is green tea with lemon (no sugar)

lunch salad

lunch snack apricot (i'll prob skip this since i work. )

dinner will be pasta with cherry tomatoes and basil and garlic vinegar stuff



Besides food…

I’m in love with this new band called Gungor. Their album called Beautiful Things is beyond amazing.

The song beautiful things is constantly on replay. Reminds me that no matter where I’m at in life God is “making me new.” I cant change myself. But He can. Ptl.

Here is the video of Gungor singing beautiful things. : )




Well it has been a long day. I’m off to bed. Promise I’m going to update this blog more.