My trip to the ER

(Thursday)After my nutritionist appointment, I went out with one of my friends and was having more chest pains than usual and I told my friend who is a nurse assistant…And him and my other friend who is a nurse both forced me basically into the ER. I got an ekg and turns out I had some abnormality…I was in Vfib I think its called. Electrodes in my heart weren’t firing as they should. I was admitted, got blood taken, x rays, etc etc. eventually found out my potassium levels were low, so I got 3 bags of saline in me (which is A LOT) and was given some potassium pills. Even though my heart still races and chest still kind of hurts, I have the color back in my face which my friends tell me I haven’t had for a few weeks. It was completely embarrassing telling all the nurses and doctors I have an eating disorder. Or rather it was embarrassing that I couldn’t tell them that and my friend had to. It was so unreal being there. It was sort of like it didn’t faze me at all at least not until the end. I was being told I could have a heart attack and I just shrugged. Not me… couldn’t happen to me… And I kept trying to sleep maybe that way I could escape but my friend kept waking me up saying no its time you face reality. I didn’t call my parents. They have no idea I was in the ER. They might find out eventually but I just did not want them there with me last night.


Anyways, here’s my bottom. I’m making this be my bottom. I never realized how sick I was until I went to the bathroom and considered throwing up, or when I HAD to weight myself willingly at the hospital. But when I really realized I’m sicker than I thought was when the doctor came in talking to me about anorexia and my heart and I laughed. Then he told me about my blood work being okay and I told my friend “SEE I’m not sick!!!” meanwhile wires and tubes are coming out of me. The last thing the nurse said to me was explaining play by play what will happen to me if my potassium levels drop again, heart attack and not gonna lie that was scary. Saying I might not come back from that.

Well I’m ready to get better. I’m forcing myself to eat. It is SO hard. I don’t want to be dizzy anymore. I want to be able to exercise. I want to be able to go out with friends. And what really made me sad was one of my friends that’s a nurse she started crying a few months ago telling me how she didn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I promised her that would never happen to me. She ended up having to bring me to the hospital… : (

I’m tired of walking on eggshells with my health.

I’m much sicker than I ever thought.

I’m always going to remember being in the bathroom at the hospital and looking at myself in the mirror and smiling that I was hitting my goal weight. That’s not normal… I’m in the hosipatl and smiling… and walking out and having my friend walk with me back to my bed. I was smiling and said “I’m really sick.” His response as he had his hand on my back was “I know” in this soft voice.

Later on, I found out my bp was down to 86/43 which apparently is not good.. and I found out I do have permant heart damage but if I eat right and take care of myself it shouldn’t be a problem.

The heart is nothing to be messing around with, yet I feel like my stay in the hospital didn’t even effect me. I just don’t want my parents to find out… essshhh.

Anyways, therapy tomorrow. Gonna have to tell her I wound up where she said I would. Embarrassing.

hell of a night.

Last night was a terrible night. In fact the day wasn’t so great either. I had church in the morning where I felt something weird in my head. Like it kept getting tingly and I was moderately dizzy. For some reason I just got upset and left church and drove up to this mountain where I sat for awhile trying to sort out my thoughts on wanting to get better and nothing seemed to make sense in my head. Nothing was logical. So after like 45 minutes of sitting at this random mountain by myself I decide to leave. I drove to the bottom and got really dizzy. Which had never happened to me driving before. I figured maybe that is a sign that I should eat. My favorite salad place was down the street so I drove there. I feel like I wasn’t really walking straight and the people who worked there were starring (maybe its all in my head…;) I went to the bathroom where I thought I was going to pass out. I was so dizzy. Anyways I got my salad and was driving home and got dizzy yet again. Got home and tried sleeping. I felt so sick after eating my salad. Something just seemed off with me to. I considered going to the hospital because I felt so weird. My heart hurt and chest hurt had that tingly feeling in my head. It sucked. Well fast forward to about 2 p.m. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. I thought i wa goig to throw up i wasin so much pain. My whole body hurt. My legs, toes, arms, fingers, chest, heart, head, stomach, hips… everything hurt so bad. I text my friend and asked if this was a result of not eating much like I have been and he said most likely and blah blah… well I talked to him and decided to eat some crackers which I threw up. The incredibly sick thing was that I smiled when I went to go do that and after… who smiles?? My whole body is hurting because it most likely needs food and I’m smiling happy I just threw up. That is sick. I feel sick. I told him I threw up and he said am I going to do anything to get better. I told him I’m called this outpatient clinic to get an evaluation Monday…. Lets see if I follow through with that. So I’m on like 4 hour sleep and I have an 8 hour shift. Shit.

its not by choice..how can people not get it!

Progress,



Well I had my therapy appointment a few days ago. I was looking forward to that appointment for so long and when I got there we just had the same old conversations. Elyse, you need inpatient you need to eat more. Lady, I’m eating enough. I can handle it. Inpatient? Have you seen my legs. Elyse, you are thin maybe not as thin as others will be in there but… (Me.. Gee thanks she just called me fat.) We argue some more. She asks why I’m doing this, whats the goal- because of course there is more to it than being thin. I say I don’t know. And that is the truth. I don’t know why I continue to self destruct. I’m scared. I’m scared of hospitals but I know I could end up in one here pretty soon. Why don’t you try to stop? Everyone asks. Because I feel gross when I do. Nobody understands. I get more depressed when I eat. How can you not want to get better? I get mad. I tell them, you know I am really scared of what is happening to me but I know its out of my control now. Its not Elyse. It’s Ana. Its her that took over. I can’t take back control. There are consequences. I tell my friend that and he says, you always have control. Don’t say that someone else in controlling you when that is not true. Its you making choices. Its your choice. And when you decide you want to choose to get better you will. This I argue for a good long time about. IT IS NOT BY CHOICE. Do you know an anorectic mind??? NO! This isn’t like every other addiction or disease. I don’t have the tools I even need to take back control. She is in control. Seriously, I have tried to take back control and everytime I do..I.get.so.much.worse- and I go downhill FAST. Which no one understands. I get called crazy and just don’t want to take responsibility. WHATEVER… they just don’t understand.






Honestly guys, I’m waiting till I just pass out and someone takes me to inpatient. I looked at an outpatient place by my house and I just know I wont go to all the meetings and crap so why pay for it? why waste everyones time. I’ve been getting really dizzy and its been hard to breathe at times lately… I’m hoping I can just faint. That’s sick I know. But I can’t bring myself to tell someone (besides my therapist) that I need and secretly do want inpatient. At least if I pass out I will be given the chance for inpatient….i’m sick, I know.

WASTED

So last night I stayed up until about 12:30 (when I had to get up at 6- not a good idea) reading the book Wasted. All throughout the book I could completely identify with this girl. We lived in the same city, walked the same streets, started being weight conscious at the same age, we check ourselves out in the mirror every chance we get, our family dynamics are even the same. Every moment of this book I felt like I connected with her; it was almost like I was there in the book with her watching her go through all these horrible situations. I could not wait to finish the book and see how she improved and how she came back from the brink of death and whatnot. Well I get to the afterword, I think that is the name of the chapter… she checks herself into the hospital and I started crying. I continued reading and it was honestly like my brain shut down. Throughout the book I felt like my brain was going and processing all this stuff and then I got to the part where she got better (well sorta) and it was like my brain shut down. None of it was making sense anymore. I couldn’t understand it. It was like seomthing clicked in her head to want to get better (I know she still struggles tho) and something just didn’t register with me. I felt weird!! I felt as if some emotional part of me just wasn’t registering and because of that I cried. I cried a lot. Maybe I was happy she didn’t die. Maybe I was sad that she had to get to 52 pounds to come to the conclusion that life was worth living. I’m not quite sure what happened. But it was just so odd getting to the end and I didn’t feel like I expected. I just cried. Maybe I did feel something, but I just cannot put a label on what that feeling was.

inpatient? huh?

So i have seriously been counting down the days till I can see my therapist. I don’t know why since it seems to never change anything. Anyways first off I am by no means tiny. At least when I look in the mirror I don’t see skinny. However, I know that the reflection I see maybe totally skewed….



Anyways, I got there today. We went over the list of what I’ve eaten or lack of it. She tells me the same old lines as she has the past few weeks and I say all the same stuff. She knows this. And so do I.

I change subjects which works for a few minutes. She tells me again shes worried and I know she means that. Blah blah blah. Anyways, she suggested inpatient again. I almost started crying. I look down at my legs and told her pointing at them that THAT is the reason why I can’t go inpatient.

We continue to talk about it and she tells me that she cannot do anything I help me and that I have fallen into my ed and I’m not willing to take over.I mean I say all the stuff of how I’m willing to get help but am I forcing myself to eat? No. This everyone takes as a sign that I have given up. does anyone understand how difficult it is for an anorectic to force themselves to eat????? Anyone out there? Anyone understand this? ---little frustrated by this… do people honestly expect me to be able to sit down at a meal and eat all of it without repercussions? How would I deal with that?URG!
You know, I honestly do not know anymore who is right and who is wrong. I’m tired of having to prove my point. She is tired of arguing with me. I fail to understand her reasoning. What is interesting is a few months ago, I would have given what she had said some thought. Now it’s like I don’t even care. She is just another one of those “broken record” people in my life.



She said that I have gone too far into my eating disorder, which by no means do I agree with.
I apologize for making her frustrated and she tells me its making her sad. I tell her its making me sad too. Honestly I wish I could go inpatient. Scares the crap out of me but then it sounds nice. Not because I would eat, but because I would be out of this place- this house, this city, and I’d be far away where I would be focusing on myself.

I left my session feeling like crap. 50 minutes that I have been counting down for these past few weeks and I didn’t get any better. Then again, I don’t know what I am expecting… me to have some kind of revelation…epiphany..something.
She keeps asking me what I gain out of hurting myself. And I can never tell her the answer. Do I want to die? Eh sometimes but that’s not why I’m doing this. Is it for attention? Eh. No I rather not have peoples attention. Is it because I like control? But there are other things to control. Why hurt myself? I cannot answer that.


I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to an admissions representative before at Remuda. But they want me to tell my parents and we will all figure out how to pay for it. My parents I think don’t care and I thnk it would just be a waste of their money. Can there be a way where I can pay for it? URG.


Sure I’m sick of hurting but I cannot live normally. Its just completely wrong. That makes me feel worse.

I don’t know what to do about anything. Is it possible I’m too far gone?

this new reality

I need your help. I’m unsure of what I need from you but I know I need someone to be here with me. Someone I can trust, someone who I can talk to. I don’t want to feel afraid. Can someone understand what I’m going through. I want to runaway but at the same time I’m too afraid to go. But its also hell to stay.


I tried creating my own world. In My world where I could try anything and I’d be the perfect one. I would always be the best, the prettiest, the skinniest, the most talented. I had dreams of accomplishing all these things. They kept me going. They gave me hope for a better future.

Do you understand that was my way out? Those dreams were my reality and every time you doubted or said no it would crumble my reality. I worked so hard to keep my walls up but ultimately I found out that my dreams were unachievable. What else is there for me now?

Tell me, what do I do now, that my world is gone…all hopes and dreams are gone. What do I have to hold on to? Those dreams made me. They were what made me different. They were my identity. Now they are all gone and now what is left? A person unable to make it in this world. A person who cannot cope with this new reality that she has found herself in.

What I need from you I think is for you to create a new reality for me. A new identiy that can define me. I have lost me with my dreams and would like to find myself again, you see.

Can you please help me.

If I'm honest with myself...

Is it sick I actually want to go into treatment? Do I want to die from an eating disorder? Absolutely not. Do I want to live fat like I am now? Absolutely not! I cannot find balance nor do I want to.



If I am honest with myself I want to get worse. I want Ana to completely consume me. I have eaten more than enough this last week; I think how much I’ve eaten is what I’m supposed to eat like around 1200-1500 calories. But honestly, I cannot handle this. I cry so much because I’m so fat. I honestly think that eating makes me depressed. With Ana sure there are times when I have extreme emotional breakdowns but at least they are rare. I have not felt that hungry feeling in a week and I hate myself for it. Its gross. I have plans for my life. I have places I want to visit and I want to do so many things but this I cannot handle. I haven’t felt dizzy too much this week and I hate myself for that. At times I do hate getting lightheaded and sometimes I do hate standing up and having to hold on to something so I don’t fall. But I feel like I love that “sick” feeling more than this “healthy” thing.


I weight myself every day and I have actually gained around 3-4 pounds (it fluctuates constantly) and I know that may not seem like much. I tell myself it is not the much. I’m still in the healthy category but it makes me sick. Makes me sick. I look in the mirror and I cry. I hate what I see.


I have tried to focus on things that make me happy and things that make me smile. Lately I’ve been writing them down. But I’m never really okay. I feel like there is always that little part of me, something in the back of my mind, where I feel terrible about how obese I am. So when I smile, when I laugh, when I’m out having a good time…these thoughts about how obese I am are still there. Never completely forgotten about.


Even though I have these therapy sessions, to be honest I don’t think I’m doing much better than I was before I started going. Urg.


Sucky week. Fat week.

The other night, I think it was Tuesday night. I had an epic breakdown. And I’m not completely sure what triggered it. It was like I was fine one minute and the next my world was crashing down. Those suicidal thoughts popped into my head (which is completely embarrassing to say) and I was seriously scared of myself. I did not trust myself. I was scared and text my friends (who say they are all there for me). Well especially this one friend of mine; he always says he has my back and I believe him and trust him- more than anyone in this world. I text him and he didn’t text me. I sent him a frantic text and no one cared enough to reply. I feel so messed up. I seriously was contemplating something bad and no one responded. I at least got through the night after hours of crying.



It sucks, you know… the feeling that no one cares. My parents don’t care. My exbest friends don’t care anymore. My friends now (I feel like) don’t care about me. I feel like even my therapist doesn’t care.


I posted something on fb and this girl messaged me saying I could vent to her. Okay, I don’t really know this girl, we met once shes a friend of a friend and somehow…someone told her I had an ed and we had a little convo about how hard it is to get over something like this. Anyways, she messaged me and it was awkward but I vented to her. At least I feel like she understands a little of this “depression” I go through and isn’t telling me what I need to do every second to get out of it. Sometimes I guess you just need a stranger to listen and to somewhat care…


About a week and a few days till my therapy appointment. I cannot wait. I don’t even think they help that much. I just want to talk to someone out loud.


Anyways, in other news, I told a co worker of mine about my ed. He is seriously so sweet and hes Christian (you can totally tell he is on fire for God). We stood outside of work for about 45 minutes talking about it. He said he would pray for me and maybe ask his pastors for advice on how to get help I need and how to deal with being Christian and having this problem. He made me really happy that night. The fact that he would stand outside in the cold to try and help me was so nice. Why are more people not like him?


Tonight I went to this church’s prayer room that is open 24/7. It is gorgeous. Its all glass except for the top part which changes to all different colors. I went there to escape being home. I hate being home with my parents. So I went there wanting to talk to God but I couldn’t for some reason. I felt all alone. It kind of sucked. I’m spending more and more time alone. : / Anyways, tonight I’m going to attempt to read my bible since that hasn’t been going so well lately.


Church in the morning…. Ah another day… another day to push myself through. Depression sucks.

Oh and i'm going on a shopping spree tomorrow. DOING THE COMPACT IN JANUARY!!

A Sick Day

Today has been a sick day. Maybe this is my body reacting to only being given 400 calories for the past few weeks. Maybe its because the weather is changing. I dunno. But I most definitely did not feel good when I got up this morning. I went to my class at 7:30 in the morning (never taking an early class again) and wanted to throw up the entire time. I came home and slept for a half an hour and then I had to go to my therapy appointment.


Its weird how I look forward to them even though I know things wont change. I walked in and sat down on her couch all curled up since I was freezing! I did not look so hot. I was wearing sweats and a comfy jacket. The first thing she said when she came in was “you do not look good.” Gee thanks lady. Thanks for saying I pretty much look like crap. Ha. I told her I didn’t feel good. She asked about my eating. Blah blah. We go through the same routine we usually do about how I should eat more, why I think I need to restrict, I don’t answer her questions, we talk about school and work… but today I decided I would open up to her a little bit.

She asked me why I restrict and if my parents notice. I told her no and that they don’t care. And after talking about my parents for a few minutes (which is a topic I usually stay away from) I decided I would tell her why I hate my mom so much and why I hate living here. I didn’t shed a tear. Which I don’t think is healthy…

Anyways, I think she was proud of me. I was proud of me for finally saying something personal to her. I told her though I’m most likely going to limit my intake more now…cuz one I tell anybody something personal I usually limit my intake to maybe around 200 if that.

She eventually asked me if I would like to go to the hospital (not just because of my ed because of my depression too). I told her no. But the scary thing was is that I kind of want to. How sick is that??? I don’t know why really… maybe at a hospital or rehab place people would care for me there. I believe in God and I know he cares for me- shouldn’t that be enough?? I try and tell myself that all the time. He is enough. But I don’t know, I feel like I need more help. She made one comment that I don’t know kind of resonated with me. She was talking about how she went to this pretty place in phoenix and she described it to me and how she felt walking around. She told me I should be out enjoying things like that, instead I’m killing myself so I wont get the chance to see things like that. Hm…

As I was leaving today she looked at me and said I was losing weight. Which I guess she didn’t like but I took that as a compliment. I weighted myself when I got home and I have lost 3 pounds in the past few days. : ) Go me. I’m seeing results and I’m proud of myself yet scared.

I’m getting dizzy a lot. I tried running this evening and I could only go a mile. Everytime I get up I feel really weak. I can’t focus on anything. My therapist says I’m on my way to ending up in the hospital and that scares me yet sort of excites me at the same time. What a contradiction.

I’m sorry God for making you watch me slowly hurt myself. I’m sorry I spend more time thinking about calories and fat than I think about you. I don’t deserve you. But I’m so glad you are with me. I know I’m not completely alone and uncared for.

Jesus Freak with an ED

“Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God”

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was as white as a ghost. I was so pale. After standing there for a few minutes I started to think about what I’ve eaten the past few days, a few cookies, some tea, coffee, a piece of bread, a yogurt and some granola. Hm. That’s all I’ve had in the past four days I think (I can’t remember beyond that). No wonder I’m pale. Lacking much needed nutrition. Oh well… I can’t eat more than 400 calories. I’m getting dizzy more often and I’ve been really tired. But I know that I cannot increase my caloric intake. Thinking about what I am doing to my body kind of upsets me- especially when I think about how God gave me this life and how I’m putting myself in a place where I could cut my life short.


There was a topic posted on PT yesterday that really made me cry. It was about being Christian and having an ED. I didn’t know many other people felt the same way I do. I feel as though God gave me life. Jesus died for me so that I could live. And I’m being extremely selfish and self-centered to choose to focus more on my ED than Him. I feel really guilty for wanting to be skinny because it’s a vanity thing. I feel guilty because I’m making God watch as I self-destruct. I wish I could find some sort of balance between dealing with my ED and living a life for Christ. I want nothing more to be a Jesus Freak and live my life devoted to Him and doing the work that He has set for me, but I’m always so sidetracked with this disease. I hold on to it more than Jesus sometimes which brings me to tears. And reading about how others go through the same thing on PT really made me sad.


Imagine if we spent all the time that we focus on our ED and take that time to focus more on God and focus more on bringing Him to our communities…oh how lives would be changed.


I remember almost about a year ago how God changed my life. I never believed in God my whole life except that year things started to change. I was trying to get off drugs (well kinda) and I don’t know my life seemed to be somewhat okay after a year and a half of hell. I started becoming more interested in the idea of God and when a friend of mine invited me to Spanish Seventh Day Adventist Camp I was intrigued and decided that I would go- keep in mind it was all in Spanish, I do not speak Spanish- unless hola and adios counts?? Well while some people were there to socialize I was there seeking God. I asked someone to tell me the bible and he did so in three days. The 2nd to last night there (Friday night) the preacher was calling people to get baptized (alter call) and I wanted it but couldn’t give my life up. I was still sort of unsure of this whole Christianity thing. I asked my friend how do you know when you are ready to get baptized… his response that I will always remember was “do you want to start all over? Do you want to start a new life?” I didn’t get up to get baptized that night. I felt so sick after. I knew that it was something I had to do. I prayed that God would give me another chance.. The next morning at church, the preacher got up did his sermon and said I know there is someone here that was supposed to be up here to get baptized last night but didn’t get up. I would like you to come up here. He kept saying that over and over and no one was getting up. I was prayed like crazy and told God he needs to push me up there. The next thing I know I’m sitting up in front of the church. I had gotten up to be baptized. Best moment of my life. I decided that I was going to live my life for Christ and nothing was ever going to change that. After I got back from camp, I gave up a lot of my addictions and a lot of things that I just didn’t need in my life anymore. I gave up everything except my ED.


I vowed that day I got baptized that I would change lives. I want everyone to feel that dramatic overwhelming feeling that I had. I want everyone to know the love of Christ. And I feel like, along with the others on PT, that because we focus more on our ED that is holding us back from going out and changing lives.


I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong we can and do change lives by reflecting Christ. But atm I feel like my ED blocks the light so that people can’t see that there is something positively different about me.


I love God with all my heart. And I know someday I’ll give this Ed up to him… just not today.


Anyways, although I make mistakes, go through this disorder, slack on reading my bible sometimes, I know God still cares. I know he still loves me more than I could ever comprehend and everyone else that is struggling with a disease like this.


“And even though I cannot feel Him, I believe.”

Shared my secret. Nevermind me.

Following my footsteps home. This time I'm walking all alone. Trying to be someone I don't even know. I feel like a shadow. Walking behind who you think I am.

The dizziness just compliments. This failure of a girl. Im settled now. The show of mine consumes me. But every pound I shed. Speaks volumes of my lack of self control.

 

I got used to the treadmill love.

Where no matter how fast you run. You're stuck at the starting point.

Only exhausted.

Self-fulfilling prophecy. I swear to you I’ll never eat again.

“ I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, there is no reason to cling to unnecessary lies.”

My best friend and pastor knows about my ed. For the past couple of months he has tried to help is everyway possible. He says he won’t leave me. He says no matter what he would be there for me. The other night, I confessed to him something I have never told anyone-about what could have influenced my disorder. He never gets mad when I tell him things. Usually I feel somewhat relieved that I told someone. This time I immediately wanted to take what I said back. I just got the feeling that it was ONE BIG MISTAKE.

I seriously feel like I want to runaway and never see him again. I feel like I just let him in and Ana hates it. I hate it.

I explained to him how I just want someone to understand my pain. I thought by telling him my secret he would see and understand. I was wrong. So wrong. I thought maybe telling him would show him my pain. Apparently not. I’m so frustrated. Why did I ever tell him anything in the first place….

“I’ll swear to you I’ll never trust again.”