The other night, I think it was Tuesday night. I had an epic breakdown. And I’m not completely sure what triggered it. It was like I was fine one minute and the next my world was crashing down. Those suicidal thoughts popped into my head (which is completely embarrassing to say) and I was seriously scared of myself. I did not trust myself. I was scared and text my friends (who say they are all there for me). Well especially this one friend of mine; he always says he has my back and I believe him and trust him- more than anyone in this world. I text him and he didn’t text me. I sent him a frantic text and no one cared enough to reply. I feel so messed up. I seriously was contemplating something bad and no one responded. I at least got through the night after hours of crying.



It sucks, you know… the feeling that no one cares. My parents don’t care. My exbest friends don’t care anymore. My friends now (I feel like) don’t care about me. I feel like even my therapist doesn’t care.


I posted something on fb and this girl messaged me saying I could vent to her. Okay, I don’t really know this girl, we met once shes a friend of a friend and somehow…someone told her I had an ed and we had a little convo about how hard it is to get over something like this. Anyways, she messaged me and it was awkward but I vented to her. At least I feel like she understands a little of this “depression” I go through and isn’t telling me what I need to do every second to get out of it. Sometimes I guess you just need a stranger to listen and to somewhat care…


About a week and a few days till my therapy appointment. I cannot wait. I don’t even think they help that much. I just want to talk to someone out loud.


Anyways, in other news, I told a co worker of mine about my ed. He is seriously so sweet and hes Christian (you can totally tell he is on fire for God). We stood outside of work for about 45 minutes talking about it. He said he would pray for me and maybe ask his pastors for advice on how to get help I need and how to deal with being Christian and having this problem. He made me really happy that night. The fact that he would stand outside in the cold to try and help me was so nice. Why are more people not like him?


Tonight I went to this church’s prayer room that is open 24/7. It is gorgeous. Its all glass except for the top part which changes to all different colors. I went there to escape being home. I hate being home with my parents. So I went there wanting to talk to God but I couldn’t for some reason. I felt all alone. It kind of sucked. I’m spending more and more time alone. : / Anyways, tonight I’m going to attempt to read my bible since that hasn’t been going so well lately.


Church in the morning…. Ah another day… another day to push myself through. Depression sucks.

Oh and i'm going on a shopping spree tomorrow. DOING THE COMPACT IN JANUARY!!

A Sick Day

Today has been a sick day. Maybe this is my body reacting to only being given 400 calories for the past few weeks. Maybe its because the weather is changing. I dunno. But I most definitely did not feel good when I got up this morning. I went to my class at 7:30 in the morning (never taking an early class again) and wanted to throw up the entire time. I came home and slept for a half an hour and then I had to go to my therapy appointment.


Its weird how I look forward to them even though I know things wont change. I walked in and sat down on her couch all curled up since I was freezing! I did not look so hot. I was wearing sweats and a comfy jacket. The first thing she said when she came in was “you do not look good.” Gee thanks lady. Thanks for saying I pretty much look like crap. Ha. I told her I didn’t feel good. She asked about my eating. Blah blah. We go through the same routine we usually do about how I should eat more, why I think I need to restrict, I don’t answer her questions, we talk about school and work… but today I decided I would open up to her a little bit.

She asked me why I restrict and if my parents notice. I told her no and that they don’t care. And after talking about my parents for a few minutes (which is a topic I usually stay away from) I decided I would tell her why I hate my mom so much and why I hate living here. I didn’t shed a tear. Which I don’t think is healthy…

Anyways, I think she was proud of me. I was proud of me for finally saying something personal to her. I told her though I’m most likely going to limit my intake more now…cuz one I tell anybody something personal I usually limit my intake to maybe around 200 if that.

She eventually asked me if I would like to go to the hospital (not just because of my ed because of my depression too). I told her no. But the scary thing was is that I kind of want to. How sick is that??? I don’t know why really… maybe at a hospital or rehab place people would care for me there. I believe in God and I know he cares for me- shouldn’t that be enough?? I try and tell myself that all the time. He is enough. But I don’t know, I feel like I need more help. She made one comment that I don’t know kind of resonated with me. She was talking about how she went to this pretty place in phoenix and she described it to me and how she felt walking around. She told me I should be out enjoying things like that, instead I’m killing myself so I wont get the chance to see things like that. Hm…

As I was leaving today she looked at me and said I was losing weight. Which I guess she didn’t like but I took that as a compliment. I weighted myself when I got home and I have lost 3 pounds in the past few days. : ) Go me. I’m seeing results and I’m proud of myself yet scared.

I’m getting dizzy a lot. I tried running this evening and I could only go a mile. Everytime I get up I feel really weak. I can’t focus on anything. My therapist says I’m on my way to ending up in the hospital and that scares me yet sort of excites me at the same time. What a contradiction.

I’m sorry God for making you watch me slowly hurt myself. I’m sorry I spend more time thinking about calories and fat than I think about you. I don’t deserve you. But I’m so glad you are with me. I know I’m not completely alone and uncared for.

Jesus Freak with an ED

“Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God”

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was as white as a ghost. I was so pale. After standing there for a few minutes I started to think about what I’ve eaten the past few days, a few cookies, some tea, coffee, a piece of bread, a yogurt and some granola. Hm. That’s all I’ve had in the past four days I think (I can’t remember beyond that). No wonder I’m pale. Lacking much needed nutrition. Oh well… I can’t eat more than 400 calories. I’m getting dizzy more often and I’ve been really tired. But I know that I cannot increase my caloric intake. Thinking about what I am doing to my body kind of upsets me- especially when I think about how God gave me this life and how I’m putting myself in a place where I could cut my life short.


There was a topic posted on PT yesterday that really made me cry. It was about being Christian and having an ED. I didn’t know many other people felt the same way I do. I feel as though God gave me life. Jesus died for me so that I could live. And I’m being extremely selfish and self-centered to choose to focus more on my ED than Him. I feel really guilty for wanting to be skinny because it’s a vanity thing. I feel guilty because I’m making God watch as I self-destruct. I wish I could find some sort of balance between dealing with my ED and living a life for Christ. I want nothing more to be a Jesus Freak and live my life devoted to Him and doing the work that He has set for me, but I’m always so sidetracked with this disease. I hold on to it more than Jesus sometimes which brings me to tears. And reading about how others go through the same thing on PT really made me sad.


Imagine if we spent all the time that we focus on our ED and take that time to focus more on God and focus more on bringing Him to our communities…oh how lives would be changed.


I remember almost about a year ago how God changed my life. I never believed in God my whole life except that year things started to change. I was trying to get off drugs (well kinda) and I don’t know my life seemed to be somewhat okay after a year and a half of hell. I started becoming more interested in the idea of God and when a friend of mine invited me to Spanish Seventh Day Adventist Camp I was intrigued and decided that I would go- keep in mind it was all in Spanish, I do not speak Spanish- unless hola and adios counts?? Well while some people were there to socialize I was there seeking God. I asked someone to tell me the bible and he did so in three days. The 2nd to last night there (Friday night) the preacher was calling people to get baptized (alter call) and I wanted it but couldn’t give my life up. I was still sort of unsure of this whole Christianity thing. I asked my friend how do you know when you are ready to get baptized… his response that I will always remember was “do you want to start all over? Do you want to start a new life?” I didn’t get up to get baptized that night. I felt so sick after. I knew that it was something I had to do. I prayed that God would give me another chance.. The next morning at church, the preacher got up did his sermon and said I know there is someone here that was supposed to be up here to get baptized last night but didn’t get up. I would like you to come up here. He kept saying that over and over and no one was getting up. I was prayed like crazy and told God he needs to push me up there. The next thing I know I’m sitting up in front of the church. I had gotten up to be baptized. Best moment of my life. I decided that I was going to live my life for Christ and nothing was ever going to change that. After I got back from camp, I gave up a lot of my addictions and a lot of things that I just didn’t need in my life anymore. I gave up everything except my ED.


I vowed that day I got baptized that I would change lives. I want everyone to feel that dramatic overwhelming feeling that I had. I want everyone to know the love of Christ. And I feel like, along with the others on PT, that because we focus more on our ED that is holding us back from going out and changing lives.


I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong we can and do change lives by reflecting Christ. But atm I feel like my ED blocks the light so that people can’t see that there is something positively different about me.


I love God with all my heart. And I know someday I’ll give this Ed up to him… just not today.


Anyways, although I make mistakes, go through this disorder, slack on reading my bible sometimes, I know God still cares. I know he still loves me more than I could ever comprehend and everyone else that is struggling with a disease like this.


“And even though I cannot feel Him, I believe.”

Shared my secret. Nevermind me.

Following my footsteps home. This time I'm walking all alone. Trying to be someone I don't even know. I feel like a shadow. Walking behind who you think I am.

The dizziness just compliments. This failure of a girl. Im settled now. The show of mine consumes me. But every pound I shed. Speaks volumes of my lack of self control.

 

I got used to the treadmill love.

Where no matter how fast you run. You're stuck at the starting point.

Only exhausted.

Self-fulfilling prophecy. I swear to you I’ll never eat again.

“ I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, there is no reason to cling to unnecessary lies.”

My best friend and pastor knows about my ed. For the past couple of months he has tried to help is everyway possible. He says he won’t leave me. He says no matter what he would be there for me. The other night, I confessed to him something I have never told anyone-about what could have influenced my disorder. He never gets mad when I tell him things. Usually I feel somewhat relieved that I told someone. This time I immediately wanted to take what I said back. I just got the feeling that it was ONE BIG MISTAKE.

I seriously feel like I want to runaway and never see him again. I feel like I just let him in and Ana hates it. I hate it.

I explained to him how I just want someone to understand my pain. I thought by telling him my secret he would see and understand. I was wrong. So wrong. I thought maybe telling him would show him my pain. Apparently not. I’m so frustrated. Why did I ever tell him anything in the first place….

“I’ll swear to you I’ll never trust again.”