“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it so much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry.” –Marya Hornbacher ( Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)
This entrance is mainly a continuance of a recent blog post called “Hugs.” I stated how a simple hug could possibly help me recover and how it is something I want but am somewhat fearful of at the same time.
Recently I hung out with a friend of mine. I’ve known him for around 7 years and although I don’t see him a lot we can always get together and have fun and it is if we never were apart. This guy knows a lot about me for not seeing me often… we don’t even talk often and somehow he knows things I haven’t even said.
After hanging out together with some friends we off by ourselves and ended up sitting outside on this couch… it was unbelievable. This guy saw right through everything. He sat right close next to me and said everything I fear. I was able to speak about my ed without feeling judged. He didn’t try to change me or yell at me to change my thinking. He listened.
Later he took me back to my car and went for a hug which he knows I dislike and I backed off at first but gave a hug. We started talking about that- hugging. And it was an awkward conversation… I told him how I hate hugging but its something I need more often. He then pulled me toward him and held me tight till I relaxed. I wanted to cry.
This all sounds so lame coming from me. But that had to be one of the best moments ever. He knew I didn’t want it, but I needed it. I thank God for that moment. I hadn’t felt that wonderful in a long time. I felt cared for that night. He cared. He was everything I needed in that moment.
Sounds so dramatic but I’ve just never had that. It was one of the best moments ever.
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