What if I said give up?

What if I were to tell you give up? What if I were to tell someone who has hit bottom give up on you? That is a terrifying thought, right? Who in their right mind would tell a troubled person at their worst moment to give up on themselves?

Now what if I told you, “give up on yourself, therefore all you can do is look toward God.” If you were to give up your desire, your truths, your everything, and gave up to God? How would it change things? Would I feel free? Would I be lost? Would being lost be better than believing in myself?

I realized this past week that I have made God into something small. I believed that He could not heal me of this disorder. I was too sick to save. But I was special, everyone else can be rescued from the point they are at but not me. I was God’s one exception.

But as I hit a low this week, where I felt exhausted and tired of dealing with all the health problems ED brings about I felt a little hopeless. I lay on my floor, cried and told God I can’t keep doing this. I just want to give up on everything. The world is too much. Adulthood is something I never asked for. Making decisions is something I can’t do. Functioning is becoming way too hard. I wanted to give up on life. And as I continued thinking about what giving up meant I realized I could give up on me. I would be okay with giving up on me. But there is no way I could give up on God. He’s too great. He loves me too much. I pondered this thought for a few days. What does it mean to give up on you but not on God? Is that even possible?

I came to the conclusion, however, that it is possible. I could give up everything and just let God control my life and lead me where He needs me to be. I’m giving up trying to be the best. I’m giving up feelings. I’m giving up trying to make all my dreams come true. Why am I doing that? Because obviously feelings/ trying to be perfect/ chasing after the wind is getting me nowhere and causing me lots of harm. Maybe giving up and allowing God to work will be just what I need. He can do what I can’t. I can’t function on my own; I need His help to do so. Its freeing… giving up on me means giving up my disorder and trusting God will change my mindset since that is impossible on my own it seems.

It’s time for God to lead… the God that wants the best for me, something better than I could ever dream of. It’s time for me to be totally submissive to God who is so much bigger than my problems.

Making a step now to pray more and get into the Word more. Lately I’ve been writing down my prayers which I recommend. It helps my mind not wander and helps me not dwell on topics and looking back through written prayers I can see subtle changes in my thinking and see where God has answered prayers.

How great is our God, that even hitting a bottom I’m not alone and can go to someone who genuinely cares. Ptl.