Jesus Freak with an ED

“Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God”

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was as white as a ghost. I was so pale. After standing there for a few minutes I started to think about what I’ve eaten the past few days, a few cookies, some tea, coffee, a piece of bread, a yogurt and some granola. Hm. That’s all I’ve had in the past four days I think (I can’t remember beyond that). No wonder I’m pale. Lacking much needed nutrition. Oh well… I can’t eat more than 400 calories. I’m getting dizzy more often and I’ve been really tired. But I know that I cannot increase my caloric intake. Thinking about what I am doing to my body kind of upsets me- especially when I think about how God gave me this life and how I’m putting myself in a place where I could cut my life short.


There was a topic posted on PT yesterday that really made me cry. It was about being Christian and having an ED. I didn’t know many other people felt the same way I do. I feel as though God gave me life. Jesus died for me so that I could live. And I’m being extremely selfish and self-centered to choose to focus more on my ED than Him. I feel really guilty for wanting to be skinny because it’s a vanity thing. I feel guilty because I’m making God watch as I self-destruct. I wish I could find some sort of balance between dealing with my ED and living a life for Christ. I want nothing more to be a Jesus Freak and live my life devoted to Him and doing the work that He has set for me, but I’m always so sidetracked with this disease. I hold on to it more than Jesus sometimes which brings me to tears. And reading about how others go through the same thing on PT really made me sad.


Imagine if we spent all the time that we focus on our ED and take that time to focus more on God and focus more on bringing Him to our communities…oh how lives would be changed.


I remember almost about a year ago how God changed my life. I never believed in God my whole life except that year things started to change. I was trying to get off drugs (well kinda) and I don’t know my life seemed to be somewhat okay after a year and a half of hell. I started becoming more interested in the idea of God and when a friend of mine invited me to Spanish Seventh Day Adventist Camp I was intrigued and decided that I would go- keep in mind it was all in Spanish, I do not speak Spanish- unless hola and adios counts?? Well while some people were there to socialize I was there seeking God. I asked someone to tell me the bible and he did so in three days. The 2nd to last night there (Friday night) the preacher was calling people to get baptized (alter call) and I wanted it but couldn’t give my life up. I was still sort of unsure of this whole Christianity thing. I asked my friend how do you know when you are ready to get baptized… his response that I will always remember was “do you want to start all over? Do you want to start a new life?” I didn’t get up to get baptized that night. I felt so sick after. I knew that it was something I had to do. I prayed that God would give me another chance.. The next morning at church, the preacher got up did his sermon and said I know there is someone here that was supposed to be up here to get baptized last night but didn’t get up. I would like you to come up here. He kept saying that over and over and no one was getting up. I was prayed like crazy and told God he needs to push me up there. The next thing I know I’m sitting up in front of the church. I had gotten up to be baptized. Best moment of my life. I decided that I was going to live my life for Christ and nothing was ever going to change that. After I got back from camp, I gave up a lot of my addictions and a lot of things that I just didn’t need in my life anymore. I gave up everything except my ED.


I vowed that day I got baptized that I would change lives. I want everyone to feel that dramatic overwhelming feeling that I had. I want everyone to know the love of Christ. And I feel like, along with the others on PT, that because we focus more on our ED that is holding us back from going out and changing lives.


I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong we can and do change lives by reflecting Christ. But atm I feel like my ED blocks the light so that people can’t see that there is something positively different about me.


I love God with all my heart. And I know someday I’ll give this Ed up to him… just not today.


Anyways, although I make mistakes, go through this disorder, slack on reading my bible sometimes, I know God still cares. I know he still loves me more than I could ever comprehend and everyone else that is struggling with a disease like this.


“And even though I cannot feel Him, I believe.”