The other night, I think it was Tuesday night. I had an epic breakdown. And I’m not completely sure what triggered it. It was like I was fine one minute and the next my world was crashing down. Those suicidal thoughts popped into my head (which is completely embarrassing to say) and I was seriously scared of myself. I did not trust myself. I was scared and text my friends (who say they are all there for me). Well especially this one friend of mine; he always says he has my back and I believe him and trust him- more than anyone in this world. I text him and he didn’t text me. I sent him a frantic text and no one cared enough to reply. I feel so messed up. I seriously was contemplating something bad and no one responded. I at least got through the night after hours of crying.



It sucks, you know… the feeling that no one cares. My parents don’t care. My exbest friends don’t care anymore. My friends now (I feel like) don’t care about me. I feel like even my therapist doesn’t care.


I posted something on fb and this girl messaged me saying I could vent to her. Okay, I don’t really know this girl, we met once shes a friend of a friend and somehow…someone told her I had an ed and we had a little convo about how hard it is to get over something like this. Anyways, she messaged me and it was awkward but I vented to her. At least I feel like she understands a little of this “depression” I go through and isn’t telling me what I need to do every second to get out of it. Sometimes I guess you just need a stranger to listen and to somewhat care…


About a week and a few days till my therapy appointment. I cannot wait. I don’t even think they help that much. I just want to talk to someone out loud.


Anyways, in other news, I told a co worker of mine about my ed. He is seriously so sweet and hes Christian (you can totally tell he is on fire for God). We stood outside of work for about 45 minutes talking about it. He said he would pray for me and maybe ask his pastors for advice on how to get help I need and how to deal with being Christian and having this problem. He made me really happy that night. The fact that he would stand outside in the cold to try and help me was so nice. Why are more people not like him?


Tonight I went to this church’s prayer room that is open 24/7. It is gorgeous. Its all glass except for the top part which changes to all different colors. I went there to escape being home. I hate being home with my parents. So I went there wanting to talk to God but I couldn’t for some reason. I felt all alone. It kind of sucked. I’m spending more and more time alone. : / Anyways, tonight I’m going to attempt to read my bible since that hasn’t been going so well lately.


Church in the morning…. Ah another day… another day to push myself through. Depression sucks.

Oh and i'm going on a shopping spree tomorrow. DOING THE COMPACT IN JANUARY!!