A Sick Day

Today has been a sick day. Maybe this is my body reacting to only being given 400 calories for the past few weeks. Maybe its because the weather is changing. I dunno. But I most definitely did not feel good when I got up this morning. I went to my class at 7:30 in the morning (never taking an early class again) and wanted to throw up the entire time. I came home and slept for a half an hour and then I had to go to my therapy appointment.


Its weird how I look forward to them even though I know things wont change. I walked in and sat down on her couch all curled up since I was freezing! I did not look so hot. I was wearing sweats and a comfy jacket. The first thing she said when she came in was “you do not look good.” Gee thanks lady. Thanks for saying I pretty much look like crap. Ha. I told her I didn’t feel good. She asked about my eating. Blah blah. We go through the same routine we usually do about how I should eat more, why I think I need to restrict, I don’t answer her questions, we talk about school and work… but today I decided I would open up to her a little bit.

She asked me why I restrict and if my parents notice. I told her no and that they don’t care. And after talking about my parents for a few minutes (which is a topic I usually stay away from) I decided I would tell her why I hate my mom so much and why I hate living here. I didn’t shed a tear. Which I don’t think is healthy…

Anyways, I think she was proud of me. I was proud of me for finally saying something personal to her. I told her though I’m most likely going to limit my intake more now…cuz one I tell anybody something personal I usually limit my intake to maybe around 200 if that.

She eventually asked me if I would like to go to the hospital (not just because of my ed because of my depression too). I told her no. But the scary thing was is that I kind of want to. How sick is that??? I don’t know why really… maybe at a hospital or rehab place people would care for me there. I believe in God and I know he cares for me- shouldn’t that be enough?? I try and tell myself that all the time. He is enough. But I don’t know, I feel like I need more help. She made one comment that I don’t know kind of resonated with me. She was talking about how she went to this pretty place in phoenix and she described it to me and how she felt walking around. She told me I should be out enjoying things like that, instead I’m killing myself so I wont get the chance to see things like that. Hm…

As I was leaving today she looked at me and said I was losing weight. Which I guess she didn’t like but I took that as a compliment. I weighted myself when I got home and I have lost 3 pounds in the past few days. : ) Go me. I’m seeing results and I’m proud of myself yet scared.

I’m getting dizzy a lot. I tried running this evening and I could only go a mile. Everytime I get up I feel really weak. I can’t focus on anything. My therapist says I’m on my way to ending up in the hospital and that scares me yet sort of excites me at the same time. What a contradiction.

I’m sorry God for making you watch me slowly hurt myself. I’m sorry I spend more time thinking about calories and fat than I think about you. I don’t deserve you. But I’m so glad you are with me. I know I’m not completely alone and uncared for.