I don’t know why I am like this. I got home last night from work and completely fell apart. Dont get me wrong I want to share the Gospel. I want to please God. But there are some days/nights where I just completely fall into depression and have a hard time getting the focus off of me and my problems and instead focusing on something positive. Last night all the thoughts of hurting myself came up to the forefront of my brain. My friend says that I am more resilient that I think I am; that I can get through tough times and not go to extremes on hurting myself. That line reoccurs in my head over and over. It makes me want to just show him- see I can go to extremes. Yeah… that’s not normal.
And as much as I do want to travel the world and try all these things, I would love to go into treatment. There I said it (as I probably have in other posts)! I would love to go into treatment. Love. Love. Love. Why would I want someone watching me 24 hrs a day? Why would I was blood tests, doctors appointments, therapy? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to these questions, but I guess it would be a way for me to relax. It would show that others will have responsibility over my life instead of me. It would give me a chance to breathe. A break.
But no, I cannot go into treatment. But no doubt, I see myself aiming for that sometimes. I honestly think it isn’t about me being skinny (well okay that is part of the reason of why I restrict); I think the main reason as to why I restrict even though it hurts so bad and even though I recognize the pain and the pain it causes everyone is because I want to be in treatment. I have to continually tell myself no to these thoughts.
As much as last night sucked, God made today great. This happens a lot. I get so down but one thing happens that is good and I realize how thankful I am that I didn’t give in to those thoughts.
There is always hope.
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