Is it sick I actually want to go into treatment? Do I want to die from an eating disorder? Absolutely not. Do I want to live fat like I am now? Absolutely not! I cannot find balance nor do I want to.
If I am honest with myself I want to get worse. I want Ana to completely consume me. I have eaten more than enough this last week; I think how much I’ve eaten is what I’m supposed to eat like around 1200-1500 calories. But honestly, I cannot handle this. I cry so much because I’m so fat. I honestly think that eating makes me depressed. With Ana sure there are times when I have extreme emotional breakdowns but at least they are rare. I have not felt that hungry feeling in a week and I hate myself for it. Its gross. I have plans for my life. I have places I want to visit and I want to do so many things but this I cannot handle. I haven’t felt dizzy too much this week and I hate myself for that. At times I do hate getting lightheaded and sometimes I do hate standing up and having to hold on to something so I don’t fall. But I feel like I love that “sick” feeling more than this “healthy” thing.
I weight myself every day and I have actually gained around 3-4 pounds (it fluctuates constantly) and I know that may not seem like much. I tell myself it is not the much. I’m still in the healthy category but it makes me sick. Makes me sick. I look in the mirror and I cry. I hate what I see.
I have tried to focus on things that make me happy and things that make me smile. Lately I’ve been writing them down. But I’m never really okay. I feel like there is always that little part of me, something in the back of my mind, where I feel terrible about how obese I am. So when I smile, when I laugh, when I’m out having a good time…these thoughts about how obese I am are still there. Never completely forgotten about.
Even though I have these therapy sessions, to be honest I don’t think I’m doing much better than I was before I started going. Urg.
Sucky week. Fat week.
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