A Goodbye Letter

Dear Ana,

I’m getting to a point in my life where I cannot have you constantly beating me down. It’s time to go our separate ways no matter how painful it may be, you see, it’s the best for me. I’m tired of you controlling my life. I’m tired of me trying to control my life. Time to give God full control. Although that does seem a little scary I know He will take better care of me than you ever did/will/can.

Throughout the years you have been there for me- a consistent part of my life, really. You have been my way of coping through pain and how I celebrate in good times. For the past year however, you have not been a positive part of my life. The past year I have tried many times to find what I love, what I want to do, to stop making you god and start living life for God. I can’t do these things with you in my life. It just won’t work out.

For the last few months, you made me sick. For a little while you made me feel at peace. Finally I stopped caring about everything. As I lay in the hospital bed that YOU put me in, I found peace. At first it was wonderful. However, you caused me to hurt my friends- the people that really cared for me. I remember the looks on each one of their faces and I recall the guilt that I felt in knowing that I broke several promises. You turned me into someone I didn’t even know. I stopped being a good friend. I stopped caring about my own life. I desired the worst and felt like I deserved the worse because of you.

Although, I realized the harm you caused me I still loved you. It became a love hate relationship at this point. I recognized the hurt you caused yet I still expected you to provide me the comfort/security/everything I needed. As I continued to deal with you, you made me miss great opportunities, lie to friends, miss school, you made me hurt myself.

Today, you scared me. You have caused me to think I’m not deserving of things I need to live. You caused me chest pain, headaches, a racing heart, arrhythmias; you cause me to want to go to the hospital. I no longer desire that.

I’m going to tell you what I desire. I desire to live a life that God has given me-one that is filled with purpose, beauty, and joy. You cannot do this for me and even if you could it would not be to the extent that He can provide me. I am His. He will save me from your grip. He will do more than you ever could. I desire Him. I am choosing Him. I am choosing life. Not you.

I say goodbye Ana.

Yours truly.