Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. The next day. Next Week.
It all seems very daunting to me. It seems like more days to worry about my next move, to worry about my classes, to try and hold myself together. But although life seems quite chaotic, unbearable, awful, (whatever word you would like to throw in, it can be fun… it can be a lot better than the current situation I am in now.
You see, I have moments of clarity. I do. I have moments where my ED is not controlling me and I can smile genuinely, laugh to the point I cry, and have thoughts that make sense… however most of the time, I’m stuck in my own reality where north is south, east is actually west, hot is cold and food is something for the weak. My reality is one that is shaken by the littlest move, the tiniest mistake causes my world to crash down which in turn makes me think that I’m a failure. Often enough I feel as if I have passed the point of no return where I made one too many mistakes and have come to the conclusion that I am a failure. If you ask me too, I can tell you various moments that confirmed this thought.
If I keep on believing this thought-process though, I’m not going to get better. I’m not going to be able to get through the control of this ED.
Time to change things. Tell myself, I am not a failure. I’m good at making people feel comfortable (as I am told), I am a loyal friend, I am someone who can dance, who can cheer someone up… I have things to offer the world. I’m going to start telling myself I can and see how that goes. See how changing my mindset can result in days not seeming so scary…
Let this be part of my recovery toolbox (somethingfishy.org).
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