So i have seriously been counting down the days till I can see my therapist. I don’t know why since it seems to never change anything. Anyways first off I am by no means tiny. At least when I look in the mirror I don’t see skinny. However, I know that the reflection I see maybe totally skewed….
Anyways, I got there today. We went over the list of what I’ve eaten or lack of it. She tells me the same old lines as she has the past few weeks and I say all the same stuff. She knows this. And so do I.
I change subjects which works for a few minutes. She tells me again shes worried and I know she means that. Blah blah blah. Anyways, she suggested inpatient again. I almost started crying. I look down at my legs and told her pointing at them that THAT is the reason why I can’t go inpatient.
We continue to talk about it and she tells me that she cannot do anything I help me and that I have fallen into my ed and I’m not willing to take over.I mean I say all the stuff of how I’m willing to get help but am I forcing myself to eat? No. This everyone takes as a sign that I have given up. does anyone understand how difficult it is for an anorectic to force themselves to eat????? Anyone out there? Anyone understand this? ---little frustrated by this… do people honestly expect me to be able to sit down at a meal and eat all of it without repercussions? How would I deal with that?URG!
You know, I honestly do not know anymore who is right and who is wrong. I’m tired of having to prove my point. She is tired of arguing with me. I fail to understand her reasoning. What is interesting is a few months ago, I would have given what she had said some thought. Now it’s like I don’t even care. She is just another one of those “broken record” people in my life.
She said that I have gone too far into my eating disorder, which by no means do I agree with.
I apologize for making her frustrated and she tells me its making her sad. I tell her its making me sad too. Honestly I wish I could go inpatient. Scares the crap out of me but then it sounds nice. Not because I would eat, but because I would be out of this place- this house, this city, and I’d be far away where I would be focusing on myself.
I left my session feeling like crap. 50 minutes that I have been counting down for these past few weeks and I didn’t get any better. Then again, I don’t know what I am expecting… me to have some kind of revelation…epiphany..something.
She keeps asking me what I gain out of hurting myself. And I can never tell her the answer. Do I want to die? Eh sometimes but that’s not why I’m doing this. Is it for attention? Eh. No I rather not have peoples attention. Is it because I like control? But there are other things to control. Why hurt myself? I cannot answer that.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to an admissions representative before at Remuda. But they want me to tell my parents and we will all figure out how to pay for it. My parents I think don’t care and I thnk it would just be a waste of their money. Can there be a way where I can pay for it? URG.
Sure I’m sick of hurting but I cannot live normally. Its just completely wrong. That makes me feel worse.
I don’t know what to do about anything. Is it possible I’m too far gone?
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