its not by choice..how can people not get it!

Progress,



Well I had my therapy appointment a few days ago. I was looking forward to that appointment for so long and when I got there we just had the same old conversations. Elyse, you need inpatient you need to eat more. Lady, I’m eating enough. I can handle it. Inpatient? Have you seen my legs. Elyse, you are thin maybe not as thin as others will be in there but… (Me.. Gee thanks she just called me fat.) We argue some more. She asks why I’m doing this, whats the goal- because of course there is more to it than being thin. I say I don’t know. And that is the truth. I don’t know why I continue to self destruct. I’m scared. I’m scared of hospitals but I know I could end up in one here pretty soon. Why don’t you try to stop? Everyone asks. Because I feel gross when I do. Nobody understands. I get more depressed when I eat. How can you not want to get better? I get mad. I tell them, you know I am really scared of what is happening to me but I know its out of my control now. Its not Elyse. It’s Ana. Its her that took over. I can’t take back control. There are consequences. I tell my friend that and he says, you always have control. Don’t say that someone else in controlling you when that is not true. Its you making choices. Its your choice. And when you decide you want to choose to get better you will. This I argue for a good long time about. IT IS NOT BY CHOICE. Do you know an anorectic mind??? NO! This isn’t like every other addiction or disease. I don’t have the tools I even need to take back control. She is in control. Seriously, I have tried to take back control and everytime I do..I.get.so.much.worse- and I go downhill FAST. Which no one understands. I get called crazy and just don’t want to take responsibility. WHATEVER… they just don’t understand.






Honestly guys, I’m waiting till I just pass out and someone takes me to inpatient. I looked at an outpatient place by my house and I just know I wont go to all the meetings and crap so why pay for it? why waste everyones time. I’ve been getting really dizzy and its been hard to breathe at times lately… I’m hoping I can just faint. That’s sick I know. But I can’t bring myself to tell someone (besides my therapist) that I need and secretly do want inpatient. At least if I pass out I will be given the chance for inpatient….i’m sick, I know.