(Thursday)After my nutritionist appointment, I went out with one of my friends and was having more chest pains than usual and I told my friend who is a nurse assistant…And him and my other friend who is a nurse both forced me basically into the ER. I got an ekg and turns out I had some abnormality…I was in Vfib I think its called. Electrodes in my heart weren’t firing as they should. I was admitted, got blood taken, x rays, etc etc. eventually found out my potassium levels were low, so I got 3 bags of saline in me (which is A LOT) and was given some potassium pills. Even though my heart still races and chest still kind of hurts, I have the color back in my face which my friends tell me I haven’t had for a few weeks. It was completely embarrassing telling all the nurses and doctors I have an eating disorder. Or rather it was embarrassing that I couldn’t tell them that and my friend had to. It was so unreal being there. It was sort of like it didn’t faze me at all at least not until the end. I was being told I could have a heart attack and I just shrugged. Not me… couldn’t happen to me… And I kept trying to sleep maybe that way I could escape but my friend kept waking me up saying no its time you face reality. I didn’t call my parents. They have no idea I was in the ER. They might find out eventually but I just did not want them there with me last night.
Anyways, here’s my bottom. I’m making this be my bottom. I never realized how sick I was until I went to the bathroom and considered throwing up, or when I HAD to weight myself willingly at the hospital. But when I really realized I’m sicker than I thought was when the doctor came in talking to me about anorexia and my heart and I laughed. Then he told me about my blood work being okay and I told my friend “SEE I’m not sick!!!” meanwhile wires and tubes are coming out of me. The last thing the nurse said to me was explaining play by play what will happen to me if my potassium levels drop again, heart attack and not gonna lie that was scary. Saying I might not come back from that.
Well I’m ready to get better. I’m forcing myself to eat. It is SO hard. I don’t want to be dizzy anymore. I want to be able to exercise. I want to be able to go out with friends. And what really made me sad was one of my friends that’s a nurse she started crying a few months ago telling me how she didn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I promised her that would never happen to me. She ended up having to bring me to the hospital… : (
I’m tired of walking on eggshells with my health.
I’m much sicker than I ever thought.
I’m always going to remember being in the bathroom at the hospital and looking at myself in the mirror and smiling that I was hitting my goal weight. That’s not normal… I’m in the hosipatl and smiling… and walking out and having my friend walk with me back to my bed. I was smiling and said “I’m really sick.” His response as he had his hand on my back was “I know” in this soft voice.
Later on, I found out my bp was down to 86/43 which apparently is not good.. and I found out I do have permant heart damage but if I eat right and take care of myself it shouldn’t be a problem.
The heart is nothing to be messing around with, yet I feel like my stay in the hospital didn’t even effect me. I just don’t want my parents to find out… essshhh.
Anyways, therapy tomorrow. Gonna have to tell her I wound up where she said I would. Embarrassing.
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